Letting Go

That Girl has always been self-diagnosed with what might be termed 'Separation Anxiety'. I have never been any good at letting go. In fact, I used to cry big crocodile tears when my mom took my blanket away for the bimontly wash-which meant she could not stand the smell anymore and it had gotten to the point when it was pretty much walking around on its own.
Gross.
However, there is something quite nostalgic about the days before GermX rolled down the mountains like God's mercy and started smelling like lavender. And I use the term lavender loosely.
But I digress. Since the days of The Blankie, I have not improved on my ability to
a) hang on to things or people forever
OR to
b) let them go. Case in point: my sadness at having to say goodbye to our College Students that came for camp. They were there for two whole days. We can't hold on to people forever, which instinctively makes us want to hold on to them even tighter. But one way or another-either by life's circumstances or the hand of God-our grip is tested and found far looser than we thought.

That doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Which is why I would be no good at things like
Skydiving- letting go of the sides of a plane to freefall into oblivion? No thanks. I LIKE handles.
Trapeze Art- refer to #1
Reading Karen Kingsbury. After the first series about the Baxters I was very attached. Then I was in seminary and no longer had time to read them. What a cruel world.

That is why I always admired people like my friends Joni and Chad. I mean, they invited children to come into their homes, share life with them, parent them, only to know in the back of their minds one day would come when they might have to let them go.
That's brave.
The word I think of comes from the late Jaime Escalante- the ganas -intestinal fortitude that leads people to do things even though try may be difficult.
I wish I was braver. Don't you?

Every time I heard Joni or Chad talk about foster parenting, I wished I could make a difference like them. I would think about how I could never do that based on my aforementioned separation anxiety. I was afraid of getting hurt and losing someone I loved. I didn't know how they weren't afraid of the same things and many, many more.

Until one day last fall.

Curiosity finally got the best of me. I finally asked Chad, a full-time pastor and seminary student how he did it. "Chad, this little boy calls you Dad. Your kids think he is their brother. You love him so much. How will you cope if he has to leave? How could you face letting go of him-potentially losing him to another foster home or his biological family? I could never do that."
He looked at me with the most piercing glance and then said something that would later change my life.


"Do you think I do it for myself?" Chad replied.

That's all it took, really.

Seth and I were engaged at that time and foster care was always something Seth had been very interested in. So I knew it was no coincidence that I had that discussion with Chad that day. Fast forward through the winter months and a wedding.
We were enjoying our new marriage and content with our new lives. A month went by, and God began to wake me in the middle of the night. I didn't know what He wanted at first, but I knew He wanted something.
Our church had been ministering to children by providing them meals at our programming every Wednesday, and I have had the pleasure of interacting with many of them. Some of them come hungry, with holes in their clothes and no life in their sweet little eyes. At some point, I could no longer say, "That's too bad" or "What a shame." instead, I was confronted with a need and I could either pity these children or I could do something about it. So I began to submit my fear to God a moment at a time, but my inadequacies are many and I was still terrified of inviting a child into our home and hearts and then seeing that child leave. So I went to Seth, hoping the practical side of him would remind me of exactly how long(or shortly!) we have been married and how silly I was to think that we could parent children in difficult transitions.


He didn't.


He promised instead to pray about it. The very next day he sent me a link for foster care at work. So Sweet Husband was on board. But I still wasn't sure I was.

So I cried out to God and ask Him to pick someone more qualified. More intelligent. Better with children. Better at letting go.

You know what He said?

He told me in essence through His Word and His voice that I could get in front of hundreds of people and not bat an eye. I can go overseas and serve without fear and I could pray with a stranger and write a blog that strangers read.
Okay, great.

But none of that took a lot of real faith though. What would take real faith was to commit to something that is totally contrary to my nature and trust God to teach me to let go.

"My grace is sufficient for you-my strength is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

This is one of the first times God has asked me to do something that at first, I did not want to do in the least. But I have also heard it spoken that God does His best work when we are out of our comfort zone the most.



So, I am letting go and letting God accomplish His purpose in this. But only with His help.

To Him be the glory.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Check out Carlos Whittaker's celebration of his son Losiah's third birthday. It is hilarious and moving all at once.

Quoteable.

"You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe you're dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, 'Believe, have faith,' in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, 'Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me.' If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race."

Eric Liddell,
from the film Chariots of Fire

That Girl Moment #747: Back to the Drive-Thru.

So yesterday I am on my way to church, and I stop at Petersburg to get some dinner at Le McDahhhnolds. I order my meal, and proceed to the first window where I hand the cashier me debit card.


Let me stop right there and tell you that in the last two months I have had the worst time with my blessed debit card. And this time I ain't talking about lack of finances. I actually have a little money in the bank right now (miracles never cease, right friends?). My card expired on February 1st, and then I received a letter from my bank stating that my account was under fraud watch. Well, I was a little panicked at first, because wouldn't it be the cherry on top if That Girl got her identity stolen?

Stop right there, Bloggerotsky! Quit wishing that would happen just so you could read about yet another That Girl moment...That is just WRONG!


Anyway, I became less concerned about the fraud watch when I found out that many of my friends had received the same letter and I knew that there probably weren't any suspicious charges on my account.

{Well, minus that little Target fiasco...but really the only thing that was suspicious about that charge was my curious lack of self-control.}

Anyway, they sent me a new debit card fihhhhhnalllllly, and I was so happy because I could now get money out (they closed my bank branch in OC, so it is not like I could simply cash a check or anything. Ha! Who am I kidding. Have you been reading this blog at all? I can never do it the easy way. Or have a simple solution to my dilemmas. I am pretty sure that's because God wants you folks to have a good laugh most every day. It's fine with me.) again which was a massive relief!


So a week or so later, I happily hand over my debit card to the lady at the Golden Arches. Don't ask me why this happens so frequently in the McD Drive Thru. They see my Daewoo coming and probably sound an alarm by now.

She takes it and I continue singing to Bethany Dillon at the top of my lungs. Good. Not annoying the checkout girl at all I'm sure. Well, if she thought that was bad it was about to get worse.

You can start cringing now. Or maybe you already passed that point in the funeral blog. or this blog.


She hands me my card and tella me it has been
gasp
denied.


this is a tragic fate as I know that there is money in my account, but not in my wallet. I am like $2.50 short.

punishment for upsizing. I am saaahhhrrryy.

So I do what I have to do. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

I start counting out change. Then I start digging through my console (it's nasty dirty) to give her the money. It is mortifying. About that time I start griping to God. I just know there arre cars lined up behind me getting frustrated at me, but I am too embarrassed to look.

Now is the confession time: I actually have the audacity to say to God, "Wish just this once you'd put someone in line behind me!" At this point I am remembering the little IHOP trip and gettin' all up on my high horse, thinking about how much I wish God could send someone behind me to help a sister out.

It feels like an eternity as I painstakingly count out the money penny by penny (at this point I have exhausted all of my silver resources) when a familiar voice rang in my ears.

"How short are you?"

At first I don't look at the person who is now right beside my driver's side window. I am slow and don't connect the dots at first and am afraid it is some irate driver behind me ready to pull out her bazooka and blow me to kingdom come for standing between her and her McNuggets.

But the voice is so familiar....so I take a chance and turn my head to The Voice.



It is my precious friend and co-worker, Candace.






God went before me and put her behind me in the Drive-Thru. Waaay before I started griping at him ungratefully. She gave me the extra money and I learned a lesson.




And I really enjoyed my Fish Sandwich courtesy of the grace of God, served on a blue plate conviction special. :D

If you see me in the Drive Thru, you'd better beware (and say a little prayer that I have story to share on my blog the next day.)

Hey, Pretty Baby with the Cute Boots On....

ok, so when MJ sang "The Way You Make Me Feel" he didn't know I was going to be wearing boots instead of high heels...

so how cute are these?





I know they are cute.

BUT....



I think that buying TOMS shoes would be a more fabulous way to get some new shoes and give some new shoes to a child in need-- this Christmas season....It's a great time to give twice over--one pair to a loved one, another pair to a child across the world.


Think about it.

He Notices.

My friends have a joke that when my stories bomb (which happens to That Girl a lot), I will wrap them up with

"...And then I found five dollars!"


Today that happened. Well, sort of.


Last week, God asked me to do something.

[I tell you this not so that you will think that I am really great, because it's not a story about me. It's about the amazing provision of the Father.]

It was more of a matter of submission than anything, and I am trying to develop a good attitude about not just offering Him my time, my energy, and my love. He also wants to know that He is Lord of my pocketbook. With the No Other Gods study we have been doing, money frequently comes up.

A common myth, especially for the likes of poor, quarter-counting college kids like the one I teach, is that "I will be more generous when I have more money to give." If you can't be generous when you have a little, what makes you think you can be when you have a lot? After all, it's the attitude of the heart. God loves people who give cheerfully, not out of their surplus but rather out of their first fruits. God convicted me about this a few months ago over a conversation I had with someone. I had said that I desired "when I got settled" both in life and in finances, I wanted to figure out a way to tithe first to the church and then to put aside an additional amount to save back. The extra money over the tithe could be used to donate to mission trips, or to help out those in need in the local community, or to bless someone anonymously.

No sooner did I speak that out did God chastise me (He disciplines those He loves). He said, "Are you not settled enough in ME to be able to do that now?"


(That Girl winces)


After that, I started to pray that money would never serve as a functional god to me, and that I would never withhold what was His in the first place. Since then, He has asked me several times to trust Him with which He blesses me.

This week was no exception. I heard His voice, did what He told me to do, and didn't look back. He notices. Even when we try to do things so no one else does. He does. He sees all. He knows all.


"Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."


Fast forward to today. I came into the office after lunch, and Candace handed me an envelope with my name on it. I opened it up and there was a small index card with a note:

"Lauren,
Thanks so much for all that you do and have done for me.
Love ya and God Bless."

It wasn't signed, but there was a $20 in it.

Praise The Lord!

"And then I found twenty dollars. No, really. I DID!"



He notices.

I Am EMPLOYED.

Unofficially, I have a job. I will sign a contract tomorrow.


YAY!



It will pay for my M.Div plus (a little) extra! and it's very flexible with my speaking engagement schedule.

it starts at the end of June.

more details to come!! Thanks to all who prayed, and if my secret prayer partner for the journey is reading this, your card came at a most opportune time--God used it to speak to me.

Stay Tuned...

I found out about two possible job opportunities within sixty seconds of each other today.

This was following an urgent prayer at seminary chapel today:



"God, please HELP me out here."



Please keep praying...


"In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Exhaustion + Crafts+ Priorities = a surprisingly good time?!

Seth and I are both tired. In every way. (check out his blog for more details) In fact, I cancelled Bible Study because of totally and completely consuming exhaustion (also haven't been sleeping well.) But in our visions of grandeur, we had set today aside to work on some really cool journals to give to the girls who are going to the retreat we are serving on this weekend. Little did we know...

It's taking forever, and we are dang tired. (They are soooo cute, though.)

We are trying to figure out priorities in both of our lives and discovering (gasp) that the truth is, Good Blog Reader, there are limits to what we can do. (oooh, I just felt like I typed a dirty word!) In fact, we looked at each other late this afternoon and knew that there was no way we were going to finish those journals by Friday. The best part is that we actually looked at each other and admitted that there was simply no way.
Theysaythefirststepisadmittingyouhaveaproblem.

So we decided to wait and give them to the ladies going on the women's retreat in March.
(yes, GBR--if you are doing the math, that's two retreats, plus the one at the end of February I am leading. yep, limits have never been my strong suit.)

Then we went to Mi Pueblo and proceeded to call each other out (gently, of course) on things that are making us tired and doing no good. Things that we can put lower on the list so that we can stay sane (and have quality time with the Lord and others). My favorite quote from Seth tonight involves a Bible Study that I am in. It wears me out and isn't doing me much good at all, but I don't want to quit and not be "faithful"... This is what he had to say: "I know your heart. I know you are faithful to things. But I am telling you right now that you should quit. It's okay to quit."

I love and value that man because not only does he not condemn me for not loving this particular study, but he also speaks freedom into me as I do not like to be "that girl" who quits things in the middle. But I really needed someone to tell me it was okay. And he did.

Plus, we had a lot of fun today. I love that he is not too proud to decoupage.

and I am not too proud to admit my limits. Maybe someday it will no longer be a dirty word to us.

Finding God at Krispy Kreme.

Tonight my dear friend Michal and I went out on the town. We ended up at Krispy Kreme (hot and now sign called our name...), and as we were sitting at the table discussing who knows what when out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a man holding the most beautiful little girl.

As most of you know, I am rarely shy, especially when it comes to beginning a conversation with strangers. Guess I never learned that whole "Don't talk to strangers" thing... I commented on how beautiful the little girl was, and the man holding her thanked me and said they had waited a long time to have her. At first I assumed that he was her father, but as he discussed this child's trip to the US, I realized quickly that he was her grandfather.
"It's her first trip to Krispy Kreme!!" he beamed. Then he told me her name was Ellie. Ellie was busy playing peek-a-boo, her dark hair bouncing as she blinked her big brown eyes at us. Her grandmother began to share her parents' (who happened to be on their first date night since getting Ellie from China in October:) story of bringing Ellie to the US and their joys and struggles during the past few months as she adjusted to the culture. (She will be two soon.) I told them that she was a beautiful child (as ALL asian children are, right Carol??!). They left right before we did, and when we walked outside, the grandparents were trying to get Miss Ellie in the tricky car seat, and they happened to be parked next to us. I took the opportunity to communicate more with this sweet family, and said that I could tell she was a blessing to them.

Her grandmother looked up at me and smiled. She said, "You're right. We waited a long time for this little stinker." Her eyes got misty as she continued. "You know, her parents lost four babies. They lost one at seventeen months, one due to stillbirth, and two to miscarriage. We know that Ellie came from God, and they had to wait two and a half years to get her. But He knows what He's doing, and this was the best Christmas ever. We have so much to be thankful for."

It was in that moment, looking at that sweet, proud grandmother, that my heart connected with hers. My heart rejoiced with hers through the Kingdom of God. This was a moment for worship, because God had answered this sister's cry. This is what it means to weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice. I was excited for these sweet members of the Body of Christ and this beautiful little girl, and I saw Him, there in the sweet icing smile of Ellie as she looked at her doting grandparents and I was reminded of two things.

God is faithful.

and

We are all in this together.

[Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.] galatians 6:2


Praise God for a new grandma and a reminder of His lovingkindness.

A Change Will Do You Good?

I know none of you may believe it, but there are many reasons I haven't blogged since AUGUST. I know, tears are streaming down your faces at my return to blog world. (sense the deep sarcasm.) But let me say this: some of my excuses are really good.

it's been a rough few months. My lovely mama(=best friend, spiritual mentor, confidante, style coach, and bed-tucker-inner--it's true, she tucked me in often even after it became socially unacceptable for her to, and boy, am I glad now...) passed away in November, and life has gotten really interesting. Whoever wrote that song "A Change Will Do You Good" (unsure of exact title...) apparently liked change more than me. The changes that have taken place are not all difficult ones, and some have even been the biggest blessings yet in my young life....more on that in another post so stay tuned.

All the changes in my life have repeatedly proven the faithfulness of the One who will never change. He holds my heart and I find His presence in my sorrow, even if He is frustratingly silent at times.

more change is coming...
"well, Miss Lauren, is it the kind that's good or the kind that's bad?" good blog reader asks.

Well, GBR, I'm glad you asked. Because I am at the point where I am wondering how we distinguish the two. The difficult ones seem to always produce the most spiritual fruit although I like happy changes the best, which may speak to a lack of spiritual maturity. You know what? At least I am honest. If anyone said that they actually ENJOYED every change, stellar or difficult, I wouldn't believe them. But This girl's heart tells her the most painful changes are making her [painfully] stronger, and that she's okay with for sure. There are no black and white lines for defining change as good or bad.

Changes are challenging, but they are also always revelations of God's faithfulness if we allow them to be.

and that's NEVER a bad thing.