I Think I'll Go Eat My Feelings Now...

Have you ever seen a picture of yourself someone tagged of you on facebook and cringed at the "angle" of the photo, which in Big Guhl Wuld means you are actually cringing and the number of chins you have, which happens to have a strong correlation to the number of oats Quaker has?


Not that I'm any expert or anything.


Or have you ever stayed up late watching The Golden Girls only to be swayed by yet another infomercial, this time revolving around the Neckline Slimmer?

Don't even tell me you weren't tempted the last time you went into Walgreens and saw that contraption beckoning: "Come to me all of you who are faux dieting and wearing heavy chins, and I will give you a slimmer neckline for your wedding photos."

What I'm trying to say is that I feel as if I've fallen off the self-control wagon, and the wagon went up about five inches once I fell off, adding much insult to my (albeit slightly cushioned) injury.


I'm not making excuses.

Actually, I am going to make a few. I was talking to my dad last night (he has lost a couple hundred pounds in the last two years) and lamenting to him about how expensive healthy food is sometimes.
SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, have you BEEN in the produce aisle lately? It's like highway robbery only I like to think of it as outside aisle robbery because they tell you that's the safest place for us to shop-less preservatives and sodium and such.


Also, there's the little fact that I pretty much spend more time in my car than I do anywhere else. This has furthered my ridiculously sedentary lifestyle and my dinner from a bag kind of life.


But at the end of the day, there really is no excuse. People have lost weight under much more difficult circumstances and have demonstrated self-control in much busier lifestyles than me.



boo.


That makes me feel guilty.

But guilt doesn't really change anything. Guilt is our human reaction to our sin. Conviction is our spiritual reaction to it.


Don't worry, I am also feeling convicted. I need to make some changes.

My God, my future husband and my future children deserve my efforts to live healthy, even with the opposition my crazy life offers. With this conversation still ringing in my head, and my life about to change in a totally ginormous way, it's time for me to quit talking (blogging) and start getting serious about it.




But not so serious that I drop a hundred pounds before the wedding. The dress is lace up and there's no way to take it in. And if it didn't fit anymore, that would make me totally have to eat my feelings.


How do you struggle with self-control?

The Ball.

I went home for lunch today and turned on the tube. Found my girl Beth and was so stoked. She was on Life Today talking about a series they are promoting. Beth was sharing about one of her dogs--those sweet dogs that have taught so many women about our own habits and the character of Jesus--and how the pooch was so obsessed with the ball she loved that she constantly took the ball everywhere in her mouth. For example, if she wanted to get a drink from the quality spring called Le Toilet, she would push the ball out of her mouth for a quick slurp and then have to patter around the bowl in order to get her ball back. She would take it inside, outside, upside and downside. That ball went where the dog went.

Beth then said she realized that she was much like her pup because she had things in her life from which she could not let go. Much like the ball, she was carrying the hurt or unforgiveness or pain or frustration or habitual sin or anger wherever she went, consumed by its' presence and unable to let it go, even for a few seconds.

As I sat there, I felt the Lord prompt me...

Lauren, what is your ball? He asked in that sweet still small voice.


eh, which one, Lord? I responded in a slightly less graceful voice.


There are things in our lives that we allow to consume our time, energy, money and resources.

BUT


Those things don't deserve our time, energy, money, and resources. Yet we continue to feed on this unhealthy obsession until it takes on a life of its own.


I read this quote in a fiction book a month ago:

"You're a child of the Most High God. You just don't realize it. You keep eating out of the garbage bin when you could be at the banquet." Double Minds by Terri Blackstock


So whaddya say we quit dumpster diving and show up at the table of the Lord?






I know you are thinking, Oh fiddlesticks--now I have to be different. But girl (or fella), you got the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of you!! You can do ANYTHING.




I wouldn't tell you all this if I didn't love you more than the St. Louis Cardinals and baby dolphins.

Chopsticks.

The first time I tried sushi, I was hooked. For all of you that are cringing right now, don't knock it 'til you try it.



(please. for the love of california rolls.)



Anyway, I was at this fab restaurant in Greenville, SC-I can't remember the name of it and I'm too lazy to facebook my friends and see-but it was a real good day in the history of That Girl. However, that magic moment meant that it was finally do-or-die time when it came to the utensils of choice for sushi: the dreaded chopsticks.



I have been trying to use those dagnabbed pieces of wood since I was a little kid. There I was, in all my eggroll wonton glory, with the two sticks, banging them together like I was preparing to play the timpani or something. It did not make sweet dinner music to my parents, who were either secretly afraid I would let go and somebody's eye would get shot out a la Ralphie or afraid that a stray lo mein noodle would fly across the room, hitting another poor hapless patron in the face.



As you all can probably guess, I was not the most coordinated kid on Route 4. Whatever, my dream was to master the chopstick usage.



I went to eat sushi in Greenville and was forced into the deep end of the chopstick pool without my floaties. ACK. I didn't know which move to make but trusted my sushi companions to show me the tempura way. I studied every move they made, and followed it to a tee. I tried not to act like I had never actually used the chopsticks correctly, but since I was always a step behind, and I never like to wait around when it comes to eating,

they must have known.





One strange and glorious move I picked up quickly was the art of rubbing the two chopsticks together in the middle. I didn't ask why because I didn't want to be exposed, so I just kept my mouth shut about it and did as they did.



When in Rome...or Greenville...



Ever since then I have been a chopstick fan. I won't lie, I feel cool that I am finally coordinated enough to use two chopsticks in harmony to bring Asian-infused delightfulness to my mouth. Just don't ask me to chew gum at the same time.



After church service last Sunday, I went out with a few members of our community for some lunch. My friend Rita asked me why I rubbed my two chopsticks together.





For a minute, I was "got."



I was so caught off-guard that I don't even remember how I answered her question. All I know is that Seth swooped in to save the day with a good answer-at least it sounded good to me-regarding splinters. I sat there, dumbfounded. I had this habit and didn't even understand why I repeated it.





How often do our relationships with God mirror the chopstick incident? We continue to do certain things, maybe even with a complete lack of understanding when it comes to why. We spend a lot of our days holding fast to things when Jesus just wants to be the One to which we cling. Phrases like, "This is the way we have always done it" and "That's just tradition" are sometimes uttered, and not just by the Church as a whole. In our journeys with Jesus, how many times do we think "If I word my prayer this way, then I will get the results I desire?"



Our chopsticks grate together and we don't know why.



I love tradition. In fact, I grew up in a very liturgical worship environment. I value hymns and liturgy and order and I find great beauty in that. However, if I just made a habit out of it, it would lose meaning. Same thing would happen if I just lifted my hands during a rockin' worship song because that's what I am supposed to do.



Jesus talked about this to his disciples once. In Mark 9, Jesus casts out a demon from a little boy, and the disciples approach Him: they also tried to cast it out to no avail.



I have to tell you, I probably would have been right there with them. The Palestinian Wrestling Team, as my friend Matt calls them. The Sons of Thunder and The Rock. Clueless as all getout, much like me in my chopstick stupor. They had seen Jesus pray over people quite a few times, and they had probably studied His every move and every word. When it didn't work, they came to him sheepishly behind closed doors to see what part of the equation they had missed.



Too often we have more faith in the way things are done than in the One who does them. So we don't understand, and our faces crinkle when we are questioned. Sometimes we even grow defensive. When we can't explain it, maybe it's time to reevaluate.



After all, if there is a valid reason to rub my chopsticks together profusely, I will be That Girl at Table #9 at the Crazy Buffet appearing to make fire over my bowl of wasabi and soy. If there isn't, then maybe it's time to quit trying to earn my Boy Scout Wilderness badge at Lin's Garden. In all seriousness, consider the traditions and actions you take in your relationship with Christ. When we trade in our ways of doing things for His way, and join with Him on whatever He's already doing, we will see His glory fall in ways we cannot even imagine. Or we can keep rubbing our chopsticks together and get mad when we begs the question "Why?"





Enjoy doing things when you KNOW they are the heart of Christ. But don't miss a blessing because you are stuck in a rut, because all along, Jesus has been whispering to us: Cling to Me tighter than you cling to your own ideas and traditions.





Remind me of that if you see me ordering the sushi.

God and That Girl in Checkout Line.

So I went to the grocery today intent on buying some quality food. So I bought greens, some dairy, and lots of fruit and nuts.

I avoided my "trouble aisles" and pretty much anything that wasn't on the perimeter, like all the weight-loss gurus say to do.


And as I was pulling my cart into my friend Marion's check out line, I looked down at my cart, pleased with the plethora of color and health that would soon be filling my fridge and my body.


Then I heard God speak as clearly as I have heard him in months.

"It's all well and good to eat better foods. But if you really want to get healthy, we need to deal with this food addiction you have."



You see, food has been one of my "golden calves" or an idol that takes the place of where Jesus needs to be in my life. Sometimes if I am sad, or afraid, or upset, or missing my mom, or happy, or excited, or nervous, I head to the cupboard or the freezer for the comfort I need instead of opening my Bible, turning on some praise music, or talking to God.

Because of this, my lifestyle is unhealthy and my body, the Temple of the Most High God, scripture says, is not glorifying God. Granted, Jesus tells us it's not what goes in that makes us polluted but what comes out. However, eventually what we put into our minds, bodies, and spirits is going to come out into our lives.

When I did the No Other Gods study last semester with the OCU Women's Bible Study last year, God began showing me that I could no longer go at the pace I was going ministry-wise, pursue my passions, love my family well, and be a good wife and mom someday unless I chose to give up the idol of food in my life.

It's many moons later, and still, That Girl, That Girl two-by-four can barely fit into her pants anymore. Something's gotta give. (Providence girls are hoping it's not the button on my gauchos!)

This has very little to do with outward appearances and much more to do with the state of the heart. God wants a relationship with us no matter what size we are. And I'm convinced that those people I love don't really care what the scale reads as long as I am healthy and happy.

It has more to do with my relationship with Jesus and how I don't want anything, not even a freaking blessed bonbon, getting in the way of knowing Him and He knowing me.

So I am asking you to pray for me, Bloggerotsky. I need the power of Christ to overcome my addiction to food so that God is honored in every single part of who I am, not just the parts that are already surrendered. Right now I am working on developing some good habits, but mostly I will hopefully be using A LOT of prayer and reliance on Jesus. I expect an all-out war from the enemy, so a little battle would be a nice surprise. However, I have allowed the Enemy a stronghold in my life for many years now and it will take lots of work, trial, error, and forgiveness through God's grace to overcome.

I imagine it will also take a few more checkout line conversations between The Big Guy and That Girl.

Guest Blog//What If We....(please read)

My friend Cody spent a year in Ch*na working as an official teacher and a covert missionary to college students. I heard him share this story


and I can NEVER, ever be the same.


This story begs the question:



Cody's Story....
I would like to tell you a story of what I experienced while being a missionary to Ch*na. I had been in the city of Guanghzou for my first two months working with the underground Church. Everything seemed to be going great until one week God totally flipped my world upside down.

I always noticed a homeless beggar that sat on a sidewalk. What was really interesting about this man is that he would only come out at night. He was almost ashamed of being seen in his state during the day. So one night on my way back from leading a bible study I walked past this man. I felt like I should help him out so I put a little money in the bowl that he kept in front of him as he sat on the disgusting sidewalk. (Sidewalks in Ch*na are not the cleanest to say the least (!) and it is considered a place for only the most lowly). I walked on after giving him the money and felt good about myself. I felt like I had shown that man the love of Christ. Then later that night as I got in bed I realized that I should have done more.

So the next day I went and bought the man some bread and a bottled water. I handed it to him, smiled and went on my day feeling once again that I had shown the love of Christ to this man. As I lay down in my bed that night God spoke right to my heart like he never had before. I realized, "Yeah, I'm giving him money and food, but is that showing the love of Christ?

I realized that it wasn't showing His love, because after all, Muslims have the command to give to the poor in their religion, Buddhists also have the command to help the poor, Atheists for the most part help others in need.

In fact, all of these groups had done these same things I had been doing with this homeless man. So how was I to show this man the love of Christ? How did that look different from what they were doing? So God spoke to me and showed me what He did to show people love. God spoke to my heart and the following few days changed my life.

I walked by the man as I did many nights before. I walked by him and went about a block away to a noodle shop. There I bought some soup and noodles, food that he could never afford to buy but for me, the sacrifice was nothing. I walked over to him and handed him the noodles. He looked up at me, took the food, and said "Thank you," in Ch*nese. But the next thing really caught him off guard.

I sat down next to him and crossed that taboo barrier. I pulled out my own soup and noodles and started to eat next to him on the dirty sidewalk.

I remember him just staring over at me for what seemed like forever. I can't help but wonder if he was thinking: "Is this big white stranger going to hurt me?" (I am a big man.) But eventually he went back to eating his noodles. I practiced some of my Chinese with him, introducing myself, telling him where I was from, what my name was.

People walked by and their faces said it all. It was obvious as they passed by that they had never before seen this rather unusual sidewalk friendship. I had a great conversation with him and he had opened up by the end of it. I got up, said goodbye, and went home. Over the next week I returned with my friend and some soup and noodles. I got to know him very well and was eventually able to tell him about Christ's love for him.

One night he wrote on a napkin we had. He wrote in Chinese something that I will treasure always. It translated to "You are the greatest man I have ever met." I didn't know what to think when I later found out the meaning of the words. But that night was the last time I saw him. They probably found out about an American sitting with him and kicked him out into the small villages in order to keep China's positive image. But what he wrote stuck with me. Once again I got in my bed that night and God spoke to me. I realized that I am far from a great man, and in fact I am a man that is terrible, but through this terrible man the homeless beggar saw the Greatest Man, Jesus. It was the first time that I have ever felt like Jesus completely used me one hundred percent, like I was just a spectator. It felt good and fueled my passion to not just do a little something extra, but rather to really show people what the difference is between doing good things and showing a person the true love of Christ.

Now, I ask you friends. Are you any different from an atheist, a Muslim, a Buddhist, or a Hindu? We all do nice and good things, but what makes what we are doing any different from what they are doing? We need to truly share the love of Christ with people in a way that we are sometimes secretly scared to. That is what makes Jesus the amazing man that He is! He went the extra distance to show people that he actually cared about them and not just their needs. So, what are you going to do about it? Today is the day, friends. What if We....

“Children are a gift from God.” Psalm 127:3

remember this post?

now's your chance....



In 2006, All God’s Children International opened their arms to Ethiopia’s children through adoption and orphan care programs. Their facility, Hannah’s Hope, is home to over 50 children in Ethiopia. Located in Addis Ababa, the capital city, Hannah’s Hope is a transitional home meant to provide love, shelter, safety, and medical care to orphans waiting to be placed with their forever families.



Josh and Kristi Ausbrooks will travel to Ethiopia to bring their son Eli home soon. Eli has lived at Hannah’s Hope since he was born. When they travel, they will take as many items for the children at the home as possible. Please help us bless the children there.



We are having a “shower” for Hannah’s Hope on Monday, Jan 26 at 6:30 in the fellowship hall of FAITH BAPTIST CHURCH in Loogootee for all of the ladies. Light refreshments will be provided. More information will be shared about Ethiopia and the adoption journey.



Items needed include:



· Diapers of all sizes, particularly newborn

· Sealed packages of wipes

· Desitin

· Formula

§ For ages 0-12 months

§ Powder only

§ Similac preferred, but any accepted

§ Dairy, vegetable, or soy based

§ Any size, even samples



Gifts do not need to be wrapped. You are also welcome to give monetary donations, and the Ausbrooks family will purchase needed items.


I know I have been letting you know about lots of needs on this blog, but I want to encourage you. My readers are awesome and they know how to give, because Christ has so faithfully given to them. I love you all, and even if you can just spread the word if you live in the Loogootee area, it is deeply appreciated!

Check out the Ausbrooks Family and their adoption journey...


Eli is so cute I may have to make a special trip to Loogootee just to babysit for him sometime. His little brown eyes would melt your heart!
thanks, you guys are beautiful.

Hey, Pretty Baby with the Cute Boots On....

ok, so when MJ sang "The Way You Make Me Feel" he didn't know I was going to be wearing boots instead of high heels...

so how cute are these?





I know they are cute.

BUT....



I think that buying TOMS shoes would be a more fabulous way to get some new shoes and give some new shoes to a child in need-- this Christmas season....It's a great time to give twice over--one pair to a loved one, another pair to a child across the world.


Think about it.

Eleven Months...

...so short and so long all at once. The month anniversaries came and went without much notice as I kept myself busy...but today I looked down at my calendar and there it was.


That number 2 staring back at me.


Today, especially today, I remember the day she took her last breath. The day my life changed forever.


This day will forever be etched in my history. The human condition, no matter how accustomed to change, can never forget what it was like before.


Hearing her voice down the hall.
Seeing her eyes light up with the presence of her grandchildren.
Tasting the food she lovingly made for the army of China "just in case."
Smelling her perfume (Thank you Donna, for that very beautiful birthday treat--now I sleep with that precious fabric under my pillow sprayed with just a hint of Eternity by Calvin Klein, ironically the name of my mom's favorite scent.)
Feeling her cold feet on my warm legs when watching television on Friday nights. (I'd get so mad at her--"Quit it, Madre, you are making my legs cold!!" She'd just ignore me...)


You know, I used to complain about the many Friday nights I spent at home with my parents during my teen years.

Now I'd give anything to be able to make that hour drive tomorrow night and find her there again, ready to have a mother-daughter slumber party of epic proportions.


I can't forget those things. I don't want to. Ever.

I also can't forget His faithfulness. The way He carried me up to the stage five days after her death to deliver her final farewell. The way He gave me grace at the lowest points and helped me finish my last two semesters of college with some level of excellence as my world crumbled around me. The Friday nights as He gathered each of my tears into His bottle carefully preserving my pain.



Someday, that bottle will no longer be needed. When He makes all the wrongs right. When death, as the song says, waves its' white flag, and we find out what "more than a conqueror" means.


For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
Revelation 7:17

Until that day,
Lauren.


If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one and need prayer or support, feel free to email me through the link on the side of my page.

What I Cannot Change.

I am being blown away by Jesus right now.

He is making me worthless for anything else but Himself. Does that make sense? If not, email me and I will try to explain a little more. Suffice it to say He is wrecking my life so much that the Kingdom of God is becoming all that I see.


Why am I surprised at what beauty is unearthed when He cleans out the closets of my heart and turns over the tables upon which my idols sit?



We (OCU Women's Bible Study) are doing this incredible study by Kelly Minter called No Other Gods. It is part of what God is doing to set me free from the functionality of idols in my life, meaning we may not bow to them, but if we worship it with our time, money, and energy, it's still an idol.

WHOA. That's what I said. I felt the toes crunch. Did you?


There's also this incredible renewing of the mind God is doing right now through scripture. My counselor (yes, that's also what I said--it's cool and I love it and I am not weird for dealing with the junk and getting rid of it--as a minister of the Gospel, I have a RESPONSIBILITY to stay healthy emotionally and spiritually in order to serve well. Praise God that we are not expected to do it alone) says that if we change our thoughts (Romans 12:1-2) then that changes how we feel, which in turn changes how we behave. So if in my mind I call a spade a spade, then I can say, "This is an idol for me" and that changes how I feel about it. I begin to see what it REALLY is, and it doesn't give me the warm fuzzies anymore. Then I pray I get to the place where my behavior is altered so that I don't treat the idols like idols anymore.

I really hope I just burst your bubble of perception on counseling, by the way.


For so long I tried to change what I couldn't and didn't try to change what I could. I am done with that. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. I am going to be real with myself, with others, and with Jesus.
(Some of you are like, not sure if you can handle me getting any more real.)

There are some things I can do and there are some things Jesus has to do for me. I have a responsibility to know the difference. Just like the serenity prayer...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Did you know that groups like AA use this prayer to remind them that some stuff is simply out of their hands?

Some things are out of my hands too. And yours.

There are some things in your life you need to continue to give up to Jesus every moment of every day. He'll give you the serenity. (Not sure I know exactly what that word means but I like it.)


There's this great song that Leann Rimes wrote recently. It's really thought-provoking:


I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can




Carlos Whittaker wrote a blog today. I think you should read it. Reminds me that even under the coolest facade, we spend our time trying to change things we can't and ignoring the ones we can.

I love it that I can do ANYTHING with Jesus. ANYTHING.


What is a realistic change you want to make in your life?

Decisions, Decisions.

Please pray for me. I have a lot of them to make.

And I don't know what to do.


Please pray for Seth and his church family tomorrow as well. The FBC Bicknell church body will decide on his candidacy as senior pastor tomorrow.


so...

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
Psalm 33:20-21



Here's hoping the Giants upset the Patriots and take them to Super Bowl School. [i know, wishful thinking...]

A Change Will Do You Good?

I know none of you may believe it, but there are many reasons I haven't blogged since AUGUST. I know, tears are streaming down your faces at my return to blog world. (sense the deep sarcasm.) But let me say this: some of my excuses are really good.

it's been a rough few months. My lovely mama(=best friend, spiritual mentor, confidante, style coach, and bed-tucker-inner--it's true, she tucked me in often even after it became socially unacceptable for her to, and boy, am I glad now...) passed away in November, and life has gotten really interesting. Whoever wrote that song "A Change Will Do You Good" (unsure of exact title...) apparently liked change more than me. The changes that have taken place are not all difficult ones, and some have even been the biggest blessings yet in my young life....more on that in another post so stay tuned.

All the changes in my life have repeatedly proven the faithfulness of the One who will never change. He holds my heart and I find His presence in my sorrow, even if He is frustratingly silent at times.

more change is coming...
"well, Miss Lauren, is it the kind that's good or the kind that's bad?" good blog reader asks.

Well, GBR, I'm glad you asked. Because I am at the point where I am wondering how we distinguish the two. The difficult ones seem to always produce the most spiritual fruit although I like happy changes the best, which may speak to a lack of spiritual maturity. You know what? At least I am honest. If anyone said that they actually ENJOYED every change, stellar or difficult, I wouldn't believe them. But This girl's heart tells her the most painful changes are making her [painfully] stronger, and that she's okay with for sure. There are no black and white lines for defining change as good or bad.

Changes are challenging, but they are also always revelations of God's faithfulness if we allow them to be.

and that's NEVER a bad thing.