When I was a little girl growing up in the church, I tried to figure out God's Word.
Meaning, I thought there was one word that God wanted us to know. I kept saying, "Mommy, what is God's Word?"
She would reply, "It's in the Bible, honey."
Bless her heart. I misunderstood her and turned it upside down trying to find the illuminated word in the Bible that was God's Word. The Word that everybody kept talking about in Sunday School and church. I never asked in SS because I was ashamed that I didn't already know it.
Hello, I liked knowing all the answers and all and may I just say some things never change.
One time I asked her yet again upon my disappointment in not finding that Holy highlighted WORD of God, and she said it differently this time.
"It's the Bible, honey."
I remember walking away thinking, "Oh man! I liked the idea of just learning one word as opposed to so many more words. One word was very appealing compared to that big dusty book that held the full counsel of God.
If I am transparent, I still feel that way some days. Especially when I don't feel like obeying all those words.
Did you ever have a misunderstanding because of churchy lingo? How does it reflect the rest of your story as a believer?
Showing posts with label Transparency. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Transparency. Show all posts
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Weakness.
Insecurities.
We all have them.
Some of us
hide them
flaunt them
conceal them
reveal them to large groups of friends and strangers blog about them
try anything to overcome them
overcompensate for them
get angry about them
Very few people actually take delight in them. In fact, I know only one person who gave advice about that, or at least shared his story about what his weaknesses taught him. It might be a little familiar to you.
...so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. (2 Cor. 12:7B-10, The Message)
Often my insecurities give me lots of thoughts and emotions, and not one of those thoughts or emotions have ever, EVER been relief!
A soldier is never relieved to see a chink in the armor.
A Neiman-Marcus shopper is never relieved to see a thread loose on that sale garment she got so excited about.
A model is never relieved to see a blemish on her face the day before her cover shoot (Have you ever seen ANTM? ack.).
You get the idea.
Can I be honest? heh heh. Like you could stop me.
My insecurities have been getting the best of me. Not Jesus. Not my loved ones. Not my job. Not my ministry.
Every single one of the aforementioned have lost out because of my many negative thoughts about myself, my self-doubt, and my desire to win the approval of others, only to fall miserably short. These are branches from the tree of lies Satan daily tries to prune (there is much MANURE for fertilization in these lies)....the lies that I hear so often I begin to believe. Instead of working on producing the fruit of the Spirit, these lies soak up all the resources I have, making me demand affirmation at every corner and sometimes wishing I could fade into the back row of life, so to speak.
It is uncomfortable, demanding, and awkward.
Relieved, I am not. Sick and tired is what I am.
and yet...
Paul tells me to consider these setbacks-weaknesses that come in the form of insecurity-as a means of avoiding pride, bringing about more faithful and constant communication with God and reliance on Him, making me more aware of my need for Christ, and learning to focus on how these limitations-these things that cause all of my many and varied insecurities-actually further the Kingdom when I relinquish them to Jesus!
Strong's tells me that the word translated as weakness in this passage can mean the following:
1) want of strength, weakness, infirmity
1a) of the body
1a1) its native weakness and frailty
1a2) feebleness of health or sickness
1b) of the soul
1b1) want of strength and capacity requisite
1b1a) to understand a thing
1b1b) to do things great and glorious
1b1c) to restrain corrupt desires
1b1d) to bear trials and troubles
I am in want of the strength and the capacity it takes to understand things, to do great and glorious things on my own, to restrain corrupt desires, and to bear hardship. I am frail, and my feeble attempts to offer righteousness are filthy rags to a Holy God.
What a beautiful thing to think that in my want, Jesus meets my needs. In my lack, He becomes greater and I become less.
That chink in the armor makes the soldier more aware-thus saving his life
The tiny thread pull is the very reason she got such a good deal, and no one else really notices it
The model is considered more "real" and down-to-earth because of her blemish and the magazine sells more copies (okay so maybe that one is far-fetched but just go with the illustration here people!)
When was the last time I thanked God for all of the ways He has used my weaknesses to bless me in the form of knowing Him more?
When was the last time I realized that without said insecurities, I might never have realized my need for Him?
When God made the sun stand still in the book of Joshua, the people knew it was not Joshua that made it happen. They recognized his limitations as a man. He was a man of God, but he was still a man.
I want people to know my limitations so God's glory can be recognized and applauded.I'm praying that Jesus will use my weaknesses and my insecurities as a megaphone declaring God's glory to all of those around me.
Lysa Terkeurst says to invite God into our lack. I think she's onto something.
Won't you join me in that prayer?
We all have them.
Some of us
hide them
flaunt them
conceal them
try anything to overcome them
overcompensate for them
get angry about them
Very few people actually take delight in them. In fact, I know only one person who gave advice about that, or at least shared his story about what his weaknesses taught him. It might be a little familiar to you.
...so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. (2 Cor. 12:7B-10, The Message)
Often my insecurities give me lots of thoughts and emotions, and not one of those thoughts or emotions have ever, EVER been relief!
A soldier is never relieved to see a chink in the armor.
A Neiman-Marcus shopper is never relieved to see a thread loose on that sale garment she got so excited about.
A model is never relieved to see a blemish on her face the day before her cover shoot (Have you ever seen ANTM? ack.).
You get the idea.
Can I be honest? heh heh. Like you could stop me.
My insecurities have been getting the best of me. Not Jesus. Not my loved ones. Not my job. Not my ministry.
Every single one of the aforementioned have lost out because of my many negative thoughts about myself, my self-doubt, and my desire to win the approval of others, only to fall miserably short. These are branches from the tree of lies Satan daily tries to prune (there is much MANURE for fertilization in these lies)....the lies that I hear so often I begin to believe. Instead of working on producing the fruit of the Spirit, these lies soak up all the resources I have, making me demand affirmation at every corner and sometimes wishing I could fade into the back row of life, so to speak.
It is uncomfortable, demanding, and awkward.
Relieved, I am not. Sick and tired is what I am.
and yet...
Paul tells me to consider these setbacks-weaknesses that come in the form of insecurity-as a means of avoiding pride, bringing about more faithful and constant communication with God and reliance on Him, making me more aware of my need for Christ, and learning to focus on how these limitations-these things that cause all of my many and varied insecurities-actually further the Kingdom when I relinquish them to Jesus!
Strong's tells me that the word translated as weakness in this passage can mean the following:
1) want of strength, weakness, infirmity
1a) of the body
1a1) its native weakness and frailty
1a2) feebleness of health or sickness
1b) of the soul
1b1) want of strength and capacity requisite
1b1a) to understand a thing
1b1b) to do things great and glorious
1b1c) to restrain corrupt desires
1b1d) to bear trials and troubles
I am in want of the strength and the capacity it takes to understand things, to do great and glorious things on my own, to restrain corrupt desires, and to bear hardship. I am frail, and my feeble attempts to offer righteousness are filthy rags to a Holy God.
What a beautiful thing to think that in my want, Jesus meets my needs. In my lack, He becomes greater and I become less.
That chink in the armor makes the soldier more aware-thus saving his life
The tiny thread pull is the very reason she got such a good deal, and no one else really notices it
The model is considered more "real" and down-to-earth because of her blemish and the magazine sells more copies (okay so maybe that one is far-fetched but just go with the illustration here people!)
When was the last time I thanked God for all of the ways He has used my weaknesses to bless me in the form of knowing Him more?
When was the last time I realized that without said insecurities, I might never have realized my need for Him?
When God made the sun stand still in the book of Joshua, the people knew it was not Joshua that made it happen. They recognized his limitations as a man. He was a man of God, but he was still a man.
I want people to know my limitations so God's glory can be recognized and applauded.I'm praying that Jesus will use my weaknesses and my insecurities as a megaphone declaring God's glory to all of those around me.
Lysa Terkeurst says to invite God into our lack. I think she's onto something.
Won't you join me in that prayer?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Simple Fool.
Wow--I rediscovered a love from years past today and I want to share with you today.
My first year as an RA, one of my sweet residents, Melissa, introduced me to this band called Simple Fool. I wore that CD OUT! I have yet to find another one, but I found their myspace and I think you should GO TO IT and listen to my favorites:
I Know Now
and
Daughter
Daughter is such a great song for a woman like me. It's one of those songs I would have liked to have written--was someone following me around as a sophomore in college and writing songs about my life?
I feel like somebody needs to listen to this song today.
Maybe it's just me.
Man, that line...
I'll wrap my arms around you when you can't sleep...
gets me every time.
My mom used to talk about Jesus holding her a lot. She loved that painting of the little lamb in the arms of Jesus. She said she was that little lamb.
I don't know who needs this today but here it is...Believing He will use this to heal your heart a little, sister.
tears fall
lips quiver
she wears her heart on her sleeve
her mouth smiles
her eyes don't sometimes
life's hard to believe
door's been closed
and blankets pulled over her head
her mind goes over
the things that have been said
I will love you unconditionally
I'll wrap my arms around you
when you can't sleep
and I'll hold your head
when you just weep and weep
Daughter, I'll love you
Can this be
when I've failed You
again and again
there are days
when I don't even talk to You, oh
and I don't deserve this
I don't deserve You
I don't deserve this
I don't deserve You
You say
I will love you unconditionally
I'll wrap my arms around you
when you can't sleep
and I'll hold your head
when you just weep and weep
Daughter, I'll love you unconditionally
Daughters, He will love you unconditionally--His love is not like the love of this world.
Love you all.
My first year as an RA, one of my sweet residents, Melissa, introduced me to this band called Simple Fool. I wore that CD OUT! I have yet to find another one, but I found their myspace and I think you should GO TO IT and listen to my favorites:
I Know Now
and
Daughter
Daughter is such a great song for a woman like me. It's one of those songs I would have liked to have written--was someone following me around as a sophomore in college and writing songs about my life?
I feel like somebody needs to listen to this song today.
Maybe it's just me.
Man, that line...
I'll wrap my arms around you when you can't sleep...
gets me every time.
My mom used to talk about Jesus holding her a lot. She loved that painting of the little lamb in the arms of Jesus. She said she was that little lamb.
I don't know who needs this today but here it is...Believing He will use this to heal your heart a little, sister.
tears fall
lips quiver
she wears her heart on her sleeve
her mouth smiles
her eyes don't sometimes
life's hard to believe
door's been closed
and blankets pulled over her head
her mind goes over
the things that have been said
I will love you unconditionally
I'll wrap my arms around you
when you can't sleep
and I'll hold your head
when you just weep and weep
Daughter, I'll love you
Can this be
when I've failed You
again and again
there are days
when I don't even talk to You, oh
and I don't deserve this
I don't deserve You
I don't deserve this
I don't deserve You
You say
I will love you unconditionally
I'll wrap my arms around you
when you can't sleep
and I'll hold your head
when you just weep and weep
Daughter, I'll love you unconditionally
Daughters, He will love you unconditionally--His love is not like the love of this world.
Love you all.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Psalm 13.
How long, O Lord?
got this in my inbox this a.m. from my dear friend Stephanie Powell...
please pray for the Gibsons. They live just a couple miles away from my dad's house, and are very sweet people.
Angie (Boyd) Gibson gave birth to her twin girls today due to toxemia and some other medical issues. The girls are very small, one is 1 pound 14 ounces and the other is just over 2 pounds. They are at St Mary's in Evansville. Please pray for Angie, her husband, and these two precious girls. Also pray for their family. Thanks for your prayers.
I think that if my faith isn't big enough to ask questions then I don't really have a lot of faith. For example, I think it is farce not to ask questions about why God would allow things like this to happen. It takes more faith to ask the tough questions than it does to pretend they don't exist.
I ask God questions because His word teaches me that
1. His character is loving---so He doesn't get angry about me asking.
2. His word says that we don't have a Great High Priest who can't sympathize with our humanity and the need for understanding that we have because of it.
We would be crazy as believers not to occasionally look up toward Heaven and say, "God, I don't get this. I soooo don't get it." I had that conversation with the Lord yesterday.
"How long O Lord? How much longer will I see lots of brothers and sisters like Matt and Rachel be in pain? How long O Lord will you hide your face from these hopeful parents with broken hearts? How long is it going to take for the Knepp family to heal? And why did you allow that, Lord? I know you didn't cause it. But I still don't understand."
I think that when it comes to our relationship with God, honesty is the best policy--He already knows what you are thinking in your "secret heart" (Psalm 51:6). We might as well be transparent in our painful struggles to figure out the hurts and sort out the questions that come with them in this life.
When Jesus told us to have faith like little children, we assume that we have the same understanding of children that He had.
We forget that children don't just go along with anything. Instead, they repeatedly ask questions until they are satisfied.
Why is the sky blue
Why is the grass green
Why is chocolate brown (Ok, I ran out, but you get the idea....)
God doesn't expect us to always just assume His character. That's why we have His word. Now we can read and believe instead of making assumptions. When the difficult times in our lives beg the question, we shouldn't bury it and tell ourselves that we have no faith for asking it in our hearts. Instead, we should reach for the Invisible God, to borrow from Phillip Yancey, and dare to let him lead us into all truth by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Who knows? Starting out with our rants and questions might lead us to a David moment...Notice in Psalm 13 how his honest accusations and questions of God lead him to a place of healing.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
I trust in a God who is not afraid of my human struggle for greater understanding. Do you?
got this in my inbox this a.m. from my dear friend Stephanie Powell...
please pray for the Gibsons. They live just a couple miles away from my dad's house, and are very sweet people.
Angie (Boyd) Gibson gave birth to her twin girls today due to toxemia and some other medical issues. The girls are very small, one is 1 pound 14 ounces and the other is just over 2 pounds. They are at St Mary's in Evansville. Please pray for Angie, her husband, and these two precious girls. Also pray for their family. Thanks for your prayers.
I think that if my faith isn't big enough to ask questions then I don't really have a lot of faith. For example, I think it is farce not to ask questions about why God would allow things like this to happen. It takes more faith to ask the tough questions than it does to pretend they don't exist.
I ask God questions because His word teaches me that
1. His character is loving---so He doesn't get angry about me asking.
2. His word says that we don't have a Great High Priest who can't sympathize with our humanity and the need for understanding that we have because of it.
We would be crazy as believers not to occasionally look up toward Heaven and say, "God, I don't get this. I soooo don't get it." I had that conversation with the Lord yesterday.
"How long O Lord? How much longer will I see lots of brothers and sisters like Matt and Rachel be in pain? How long O Lord will you hide your face from these hopeful parents with broken hearts? How long is it going to take for the Knepp family to heal? And why did you allow that, Lord? I know you didn't cause it. But I still don't understand."
I think that when it comes to our relationship with God, honesty is the best policy--He already knows what you are thinking in your "secret heart" (Psalm 51:6). We might as well be transparent in our painful struggles to figure out the hurts and sort out the questions that come with them in this life.
When Jesus told us to have faith like little children, we assume that we have the same understanding of children that He had.
We forget that children don't just go along with anything. Instead, they repeatedly ask questions until they are satisfied.
Why is the sky blue
Why is the grass green
Why is chocolate brown (Ok, I ran out, but you get the idea....)
God doesn't expect us to always just assume His character. That's why we have His word. Now we can read and believe instead of making assumptions. When the difficult times in our lives beg the question, we shouldn't bury it and tell ourselves that we have no faith for asking it in our hearts. Instead, we should reach for the Invisible God, to borrow from Phillip Yancey, and dare to let him lead us into all truth by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Who knows? Starting out with our rants and questions might lead us to a David moment...Notice in Psalm 13 how his honest accusations and questions of God lead him to a place of healing.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
I trust in a God who is not afraid of my human struggle for greater understanding. Do you?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
As I Lay Me...
When I was a young girl, I loved this song by Sophie B. Hawkins. I think I liked for a couple of reasons:
I loved the melody and it was easily stuck in my head.
I liked the words a lot and it was on the radio all the time.
most of all, in it were the words I prayed before bed each night.
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
My mom and I would pray that together every evening between The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew mysteries and turning on the radio to lull me to sleep. Sometimes that song would come on as I was in bed. I remember something inside of me would soar when I heard that song. It was written as a love song, but it was so much more to me.
This (February--coincidence?) morning, as I sat in the dentist's chair praying for all of those I love who have lost loved ones or who are struggling...
jan
janet
ryan & chelsa
annie
julie
abbie
andrew
tim
matt & rachel
carla
sara
stephanie
tom
the list goes on and on and on....
and as I was talking to God on their behalf and in general, this sweet song began to play. I listened to the words, and suddenly they had new meaning.
It is a love song, but now I don't sing about someone, but TO Someone.
It is my heart cry for all of you who are carrying burdens today. May strength rise as you wait upon the Lord. And may He hold you dear, though you feel far away. May you whisper His name into the sky and wake up to a new day.
Join me in making this your prayer today not only for you but to those who hurt around you.
It felt like springtime on this February morning
In the courtyard birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel all right
I carried them with me today now
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy-hearted
'Til you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot
Barely breathing
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
grace and peace to you, my friends.
I loved the melody and it was easily stuck in my head.
I liked the words a lot and it was on the radio all the time.
most of all, in it were the words I prayed before bed each night.
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
My mom and I would pray that together every evening between The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew mysteries and turning on the radio to lull me to sleep. Sometimes that song would come on as I was in bed. I remember something inside of me would soar when I heard that song. It was written as a love song, but it was so much more to me.
This (February--coincidence?) morning, as I sat in the dentist's chair praying for all of those I love who have lost loved ones or who are struggling...
jan
janet
ryan & chelsa
annie
julie
abbie
andrew
tim
matt & rachel
carla
sara
stephanie
tom
the list goes on and on and on....
and as I was talking to God on their behalf and in general, this sweet song began to play. I listened to the words, and suddenly they had new meaning.
It is a love song, but now I don't sing about someone, but TO Someone.
It is my heart cry for all of you who are carrying burdens today. May strength rise as you wait upon the Lord. And may He hold you dear, though you feel far away. May you whisper His name into the sky and wake up to a new day.
Join me in making this your prayer today not only for you but to those who hurt around you.
It felt like springtime on this February morning
In the courtyard birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel all right
I carried them with me today now
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy-hearted
'Til you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot
Barely breathing
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
grace and peace to you, my friends.
Monday, January 19, 2009
(I Have) Confidence.
One of my favorite films of all time happens to have Julie Andrews prancing and twirling on the side of a mountain. Who can't love that?
Can I get some love for "The Sound of Music"?
I also love this film more than just for its incorporation of prancing, though.
If you'll remember, she decided to leave the convent and become a governess for children she has never met. That decision ends up changing her life (and the family's life) for the better. On her way to meet the Von Trapp family, she sings the song called "(I Have) Confidence."
It's a song about convincing herself that she has what it takes.
------------------
Yesterday evening, I had what I sometimes refer to as an "ugly duckling moment." I'm sure some of you can relate to this phenomenon. It involves:
*feelings of inadequacy
*looking in the mirror and shaking your head
*imagining what lipo would really be like
*thinking about those 10 (or 50)extra pounds and how to get them off quickly
*comparisons to other "more beautiful" women
*a pint of Ben and Jerry's (if you're lucky)
*lack of confidence
*loved ones and friends having to pick up the pieces of some scattered self-esteem
I am being vulnerable here for the sake of knowing that someone out there has had this same experience and wonders if it will ever change.
I have had more than my share of these moments lately as I prepare to give a message called "God Designed You" to some young women on Valentine's Day. The timing says it's our enemy who would not like for me to have confidence in who I am so I can't really speak with the boldness and experience of a women who knows who she is in Christ.
Why?
Because it's dangerous you know. Women who know where true courage and confidence is found. The kind of confidence that knows
*with the Holy Spirit resurrection power, she can do anything
*she is lookin' good, because she is fearfully and wonderfully made and even bad hair days can't take away that from her
*knows that she could stand to lose a few pounds but is learning to take comfort from Jesus and not food (retraining my brain-Romans 12)
*she is unique, so comparisons are like apples and oranges, so to speak
*that confidence comes from knowing a true identity in Christ
Why is it dangerous?
Because a girl like that could change the world, you know.
So what does this mean? I think it's high time we as women (and men for that matter) start memorizing Psalm 139 and telling the enemy where he can go with the fact that we are indeed, fearfully and wonderfully made.
It was really a sight in my apartment last night, me quoting scripture last night and telling the enemy to get himself lost in a cauldron of hot sauce, so to speak...
Unfortunately, this was not after pushing my insecurities off onto the lap of my beloved, asking him questions he often refuses to answer, like why he loves me. He can see it coming a mile away. I tried to explain why I needed to hear that, but when I found myself justifying it, I saw how much it hurt his feelings and how much for me, it was less about Seth and more about my relationship with Jesus. More about how I don't believe HIM when HE SAYS I'm beautiful and capable and worthy of love.
I want to believe that. I have wanted to believe that for a very long time...but just like another famous movie character said, "There is no try."
So it's time to give up wanting to believe those things and start actually believing them.
Just like Maria....
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared
A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack
The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me
So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me
Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me
And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me
Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!
It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)
I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
The only difference between Mrs. Von Trapp and me is that I don't have confidence in me. But I do have confidence in the Jesus in me.
What are some of your insecurities and what is God doing to dispel them?
Can I get some love for "The Sound of Music"?
I also love this film more than just for its incorporation of prancing, though.
If you'll remember, she decided to leave the convent and become a governess for children she has never met. That decision ends up changing her life (and the family's life) for the better. On her way to meet the Von Trapp family, she sings the song called "(I Have) Confidence."
It's a song about convincing herself that she has what it takes.
------------------
Yesterday evening, I had what I sometimes refer to as an "ugly duckling moment." I'm sure some of you can relate to this phenomenon. It involves:
*feelings of inadequacy
*looking in the mirror and shaking your head
*imagining what lipo would really be like
*thinking about those 10 (or 50)extra pounds and how to get them off quickly
*comparisons to other "more beautiful" women
*a pint of Ben and Jerry's (if you're lucky)
*lack of confidence
*loved ones and friends having to pick up the pieces of some scattered self-esteem
I am being vulnerable here for the sake of knowing that someone out there has had this same experience and wonders if it will ever change.
I have had more than my share of these moments lately as I prepare to give a message called "God Designed You" to some young women on Valentine's Day. The timing says it's our enemy who would not like for me to have confidence in who I am so I can't really speak with the boldness and experience of a women who knows who she is in Christ.
Why?
Because it's dangerous you know. Women who know where true courage and confidence is found. The kind of confidence that knows
*with the Holy Spirit resurrection power, she can do anything
*she is lookin' good, because she is fearfully and wonderfully made and even bad hair days can't take away that from her
*knows that she could stand to lose a few pounds but is learning to take comfort from Jesus and not food (retraining my brain-Romans 12)
*she is unique, so comparisons are like apples and oranges, so to speak
*that confidence comes from knowing a true identity in Christ
Why is it dangerous?
Because a girl like that could change the world, you know.
So what does this mean? I think it's high time we as women (and men for that matter) start memorizing Psalm 139 and telling the enemy where he can go with the fact that we are indeed, fearfully and wonderfully made.
It was really a sight in my apartment last night, me quoting scripture last night and telling the enemy to get himself lost in a cauldron of hot sauce, so to speak...
Unfortunately, this was not after pushing my insecurities off onto the lap of my beloved, asking him questions he often refuses to answer, like why he loves me. He can see it coming a mile away. I tried to explain why I needed to hear that, but when I found myself justifying it, I saw how much it hurt his feelings and how much for me, it was less about Seth and more about my relationship with Jesus. More about how I don't believe HIM when HE SAYS I'm beautiful and capable and worthy of love.
I want to believe that. I have wanted to believe that for a very long time...but just like another famous movie character said, "There is no try."
So it's time to give up wanting to believe those things and start actually believing them.
Just like Maria....
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared
A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack
The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me
So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me
Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me
And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me
Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!
It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)
I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
The only difference between Mrs. Von Trapp and me is that I don't have confidence in me. But I do have confidence in the Jesus in me.
What are some of your insecurities and what is God doing to dispel them?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Another Confession.
Seth told me a story of a girl he knew who froze her credit card in a block of ice. That way, if she was making a purchase that was an "impulse buy" she had time to reeeeeally think about whether she needed it or not.
I need one credit card, on the rocks.
I am terrible at money managing. I am a horrible financier. I may appear like a nice girl from time to time, but just under the surface, you will find a plastic-wielding, checkbook register-ignoring, little Maven of Mammon.
Transparency is good for the soul.
I'm working on it. I promise you, I am. God is busy leading me into all truth--including the truth that I have to learn to get my spending under God's control.
Let me first say this in my own defense (as if there is one, but...), my mom was a hero and example in many ways, but she herself would have told you that she struggled with managing money as well. I was her little girl and she rarely told me no. She was never good at finances when it came to things like budgets. If I can say it politely, she had no limits! Honestly, Dad was financially savvy, so their views differed to say the least.
My mom passed on these things to me unintentionally--she desired for me to live within the limits, but children learn what they see. Now, I struggle to maintain the limits set in place for me. I may be in ministry and love the Lord, but that does not exclude me from having a sinful attitude toward money. It would be hypocritical of me to paint a prettier picture on this blog. This is part of who I am--but I am struggling to put my own sinful nature (the tendency to live beyond my means) to death in order that Christ may be made known through my finances as well as the rest of me.
Jesus reminds us that we must demonstrate our faithfulness: those who are faithful with little will be faithful with much. So it comes down to a lack of faithfulness as the "disease" and the bad money management as merely a symptom of sorts.
I desperately desire to be faithful in ALL THINGS. Especially when considering my future...I don't want to pass this financial struggle onto my children.
In fact, just last night, Seth and I had another conversation about finances. Considering this tops the list of things that cause dissension between married couples, we both want to be wise in talking it out before any commitments are made so that we are on the same page. What we DON'T want is to fight all through our lives about the same issue.
Seth is great with money. When I was praying for God to send me someone, I prayed that God would make his generous with his time and his resources. I see that in Seth. He also has a wisdom that comes from living on his own several years. This is of great benefit to me in many ways, because Seth is a lot more responsible than me when it comes to finances (and maybe everything else ?!?!?). God has placed his wisdom and temperament in my life to teach me more about being faithful. So our conversation now we hope will contribute to less "conversations" (of the raised-voice variety) later. Our decision is that Seth will handle the finances and I will work from a cash-only basis. He will teach me how to do run things just in case so if something happens and he can't, I can know what to do.
annnnnd,
If it takes a block of icy goodness to help me, bring on the spending freeze!
A side note:
On the whole, I think that household responsibilities should be divided according to someone's set of gifts rather than gender for the most part. Since Seth has the gift of administration, he will be the one to take charge of those duties. Since I have the spiritual gift of chicken ring,I will be doing the majority of the cooking. (Kidding. But seriously. That chicken ring is gooood. Thanks for the recipe Candace!)
What do you think? Are finances an issue in your life or your marriage? How do you control your spending? How do you divide household chores and responsibilities?
P.S. Read Jon Acuff's take for a funny twist.
I need one credit card, on the rocks.
I am terrible at money managing. I am a horrible financier. I may appear like a nice girl from time to time, but just under the surface, you will find a plastic-wielding, checkbook register-ignoring, little Maven of Mammon.
Transparency is good for the soul.
I'm working on it. I promise you, I am. God is busy leading me into all truth--including the truth that I have to learn to get my spending under God's control.
Let me first say this in my own defense (as if there is one, but...), my mom was a hero and example in many ways, but she herself would have told you that she struggled with managing money as well. I was her little girl and she rarely told me no. She was never good at finances when it came to things like budgets. If I can say it politely, she had no limits! Honestly, Dad was financially savvy, so their views differed to say the least.
My mom passed on these things to me unintentionally--she desired for me to live within the limits, but children learn what they see. Now, I struggle to maintain the limits set in place for me. I may be in ministry and love the Lord, but that does not exclude me from having a sinful attitude toward money. It would be hypocritical of me to paint a prettier picture on this blog. This is part of who I am--but I am struggling to put my own sinful nature (the tendency to live beyond my means) to death in order that Christ may be made known through my finances as well as the rest of me.
Jesus reminds us that we must demonstrate our faithfulness: those who are faithful with little will be faithful with much. So it comes down to a lack of faithfulness as the "disease" and the bad money management as merely a symptom of sorts.
I desperately desire to be faithful in ALL THINGS. Especially when considering my future...I don't want to pass this financial struggle onto my children.
In fact, just last night, Seth and I had another conversation about finances. Considering this tops the list of things that cause dissension between married couples, we both want to be wise in talking it out before any commitments are made so that we are on the same page. What we DON'T want is to fight all through our lives about the same issue.
Seth is great with money. When I was praying for God to send me someone, I prayed that God would make his generous with his time and his resources. I see that in Seth. He also has a wisdom that comes from living on his own several years. This is of great benefit to me in many ways, because Seth is a lot more responsible than me when it comes to finances (and maybe everything else ?!?!?). God has placed his wisdom and temperament in my life to teach me more about being faithful. So our conversation now we hope will contribute to less "conversations" (of the raised-voice variety) later. Our decision is that Seth will handle the finances and I will work from a cash-only basis. He will teach me how to do run things just in case so if something happens and he can't, I can know what to do.
annnnnd,
If it takes a block of icy goodness to help me, bring on the spending freeze!
A side note:
On the whole, I think that household responsibilities should be divided according to someone's set of gifts rather than gender for the most part. Since Seth has the gift of administration, he will be the one to take charge of those duties. Since I have the spiritual gift of chicken ring,I will be doing the majority of the cooking. (Kidding. But seriously. That chicken ring is gooood. Thanks for the recipe Candace!)
What do you think? Are finances an issue in your life or your marriage? How do you control your spending? How do you divide household chores and responsibilities?
P.S. Read Jon Acuff's take for a funny twist.
Friday, October 24, 2008
"You Don't Want None of Us....Do ya? Do ya?"
[title from a famous cheer on Family Matters, if you couldn't remember and it was driving you nuts...]
REJECTION.
Everyone has felt its sting. I'm pretty sure there is not one person past the age of potty training that hasn't been rejected.
So what do we do? What do we say? How do we cope?
I have been reading a most brilliant book by Anne Lamott called Traveling Mercies. She talks in the book about the three best prayers she knows.
help me
help me
help me
&
thank you
thank you
thank you
(she talks about a friend's favorite prayers also...
in the morning: "Whatever."
in the evening: "Oh well."
I thought that was pretty good too. But that's another post.)
I am learning that the best way to deal with rejection is Anne' Lamott's two simple prayers.
help me help me help me
to deal with being rejected.
thank you thank you thank you
that you have never rejected me and that you never will.
Today, if you have ever felt the sting of rejection in one of your relationships, know that he has too. It brings me comfort on some level to know that "he was despised and rejected, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."
[By the way, how do you become acquaintances with grief? You FEEL it. You know it well.]
He won't ever turn you away. So just whisper to him:
helpmehelpmehelpme.thankyouthankyouthankyou.
he's not looking for eloquence. Only the acceptance of the obvious: he's the only one who can.
By the way, Thank you to Shannon for a beautifully written email about my post on grieving a la CS Lewis. I love her with all of my heart and am grateful for her wise and loving friendship in my life.
REJECTION.
Everyone has felt its sting. I'm pretty sure there is not one person past the age of potty training that hasn't been rejected.
So what do we do? What do we say? How do we cope?
I have been reading a most brilliant book by Anne Lamott called Traveling Mercies. She talks in the book about the three best prayers she knows.
help me
help me
help me
&
thank you
thank you
thank you
(she talks about a friend's favorite prayers also...
in the morning: "Whatever."
in the evening: "Oh well."
I thought that was pretty good too. But that's another post.)
I am learning that the best way to deal with rejection is Anne' Lamott's two simple prayers.
help me help me help me
to deal with being rejected.
thank you thank you thank you
that you have never rejected me and that you never will.
Today, if you have ever felt the sting of rejection in one of your relationships, know that he has too. It brings me comfort on some level to know that "he was despised and rejected, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."
[By the way, how do you become acquaintances with grief? You FEEL it. You know it well.]
He won't ever turn you away. So just whisper to him:
helpmehelpmehelpme.thankyouthankyouthankyou.
he's not looking for eloquence. Only the acceptance of the obvious: he's the only one who can.
By the way, Thank you to Shannon for a beautifully written email about my post on grieving a la CS Lewis. I love her with all of my heart and am grateful for her wise and loving friendship in my life.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Eleven Months...
...so short and so long all at once. The month anniversaries came and went without much notice as I kept myself busy...but today I looked down at my calendar and there it was.
That number 2 staring back at me.
Today, especially today, I remember the day she took her last breath. The day my life changed forever.
This day will forever be etched in my history. The human condition, no matter how accustomed to change, can never forget what it was like before.
Hearing her voice down the hall.
Seeing her eyes light up with the presence of her grandchildren.
Tasting the food she lovingly made for the army of China "just in case."
Smelling her perfume (Thank you Donna, for that very beautiful birthday treat--now I sleep with that precious fabric under my pillow sprayed with just a hint of Eternity by Calvin Klein, ironically the name of my mom's favorite scent.)
Feeling her cold feet on my warm legs when watching television on Friday nights. (I'd get so mad at her--"Quit it, Madre, you are making my legs cold!!" She'd just ignore me...)
You know, I used to complain about the many Friday nights I spent at home with my parents during my teen years.
Now I'd give anything to be able to make that hour drive tomorrow night and find her there again, ready to have a mother-daughter slumber party of epic proportions.
I can't forget those things. I don't want to. Ever.
I also can't forget His faithfulness. The way He carried me up to the stage five days after her death to deliver her final farewell. The way He gave me grace at the lowest points and helped me finish my last two semesters of college with some level of excellence as my world crumbled around me. The Friday nights as He gathered each of my tears into His bottle carefully preserving my pain.
Someday, that bottle will no longer be needed. When He makes all the wrongs right. When death, as the song says, waves its' white flag, and we find out what "more than a conqueror" means.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
Revelation 7:17
Until that day,
Lauren.
If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one and need prayer or support, feel free to email me through the link on the side of my page.
That number 2 staring back at me.
Today, especially today, I remember the day she took her last breath. The day my life changed forever.
This day will forever be etched in my history. The human condition, no matter how accustomed to change, can never forget what it was like before.
Hearing her voice down the hall.
Seeing her eyes light up with the presence of her grandchildren.
Tasting the food she lovingly made for the army of China "just in case."
Smelling her perfume (Thank you Donna, for that very beautiful birthday treat--now I sleep with that precious fabric under my pillow sprayed with just a hint of Eternity by Calvin Klein, ironically the name of my mom's favorite scent.)
Feeling her cold feet on my warm legs when watching television on Friday nights. (I'd get so mad at her--"Quit it, Madre, you are making my legs cold!!" She'd just ignore me...)
You know, I used to complain about the many Friday nights I spent at home with my parents during my teen years.
Now I'd give anything to be able to make that hour drive tomorrow night and find her there again, ready to have a mother-daughter slumber party of epic proportions.
I can't forget those things. I don't want to. Ever.
I also can't forget His faithfulness. The way He carried me up to the stage five days after her death to deliver her final farewell. The way He gave me grace at the lowest points and helped me finish my last two semesters of college with some level of excellence as my world crumbled around me. The Friday nights as He gathered each of my tears into His bottle carefully preserving my pain.
Someday, that bottle will no longer be needed. When He makes all the wrongs right. When death, as the song says, waves its' white flag, and we find out what "more than a conqueror" means.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
Revelation 7:17
Until that day,
Lauren.
If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one and need prayer or support, feel free to email me through the link on the side of my page.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Strong.
I got called out on Monday. And it was such a good feeling. I know, that's a weird definition of getting told you are WRONG. Sounds stranger than Nelly and Tim McGraw's duet. Normally, getting called out makes me feel bad. Not this time.
He said the sweetest words..."Nobody expects you to just get over all of this. Except yourself."
yep, he pegged that girl in one sentence.
My expectations of myself have always been high. I can't think of a time when I didn't have them. They have been my constant companion over the years. But in that moment, I started wondering why in the world I squirmed so warily against the strong arms (both the tangible ones and the transcendent ones) that held me. The only place that offered a haven for the grief.
But I already knew why. I like being strong. I like being both spiritually and physically dependable at all times and I feel that I lose some of my purpose if I'm not being available to meet the needs of everyone in the free world. And heaven forbid, if you see me without my cell phone, somebody has pried it out of my cold, dead fingers...
For a really, really long time I took some amount of pride in being the one everybody could count on. Now the Lord has so gently allowed me to come to a place where the pride dies because...
other people have to care for me this time.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's so scary for me. It's terrifying at times to think about how to act in this new role. A few weeks ago, I was watching a movie with Seth. (The movie is called Bella and it's brilliant, by the way.) At the end, the main characters are sitting on the beach. The woman talks about losing her dad and the pain that she endured as well as watching her mom suffer.
I lost it. I couldn't help it. I mean to tell you that I had a full-on ugly cry with snot everywhere and not a tissue to be found. For probably two or three minutes I sounded like a dying partridge.
I let it all out for just a minute. Then I switched to Superthatgirl mode where I suddenly remembered that my poor boyfriend was probably scared to death at my ridiculous outburst of emotion. I got up and walked out of the living room, hiding my pain and my tears and my emotions in the atrociously wallpapered bathroom where Seth keeps my special Bath and Body Works Freshwater Cucumber soap. I sat on the toilet and cried like a little girl.
Meanwhile, Seth sits in the living room frustrated that I felt like I had to run away until I could pull myself together. He just wanted to let me cry and rub my head until I felt better again. Why can't I let him? Or anyone else for that matter?
Everyone in my life wants to be strong so that I don't have to. Why can't I let them? I find it's much easier to push the ones I love away so that I can do it on my own. I used to be good at that, you know.
But now, God has brought me to the place where I am not able to do that. I used to be the one that could support everyone, spin all the plates, and never drop a one. I took some really intense pride in the fact that my problems never overtook me.
I have to laugh thinking about that last sentence. How deceived was I? I regret pushing those that I love away and constructing a wall for my own protection. It just hurt me more.
I know all the right answers. I have heard all the lines. I have gotten all the pat explanations as to why my mom died and why I feel this way.
But it doesn't take away the ache.
and that's okay.
I am thankful that this has been repeatedly brought to my attention by caring loved ones. I am thankful that they are not scared of my pain, or my loneliness, or my grief.
Most of all, I love that God is allowing me to now feel the grief instead of ignoring it. Although it's much harder to work through than to walk around it, it is beautiful that I know I will be more like Jesus when I have finally beat my fists against his chest over and over and over again until I finally quit fighting His embrace. I have it on good authority that he is waaaay stronger than me and will hold me until I relent and let him comfort me.
He said the sweetest words..."Nobody expects you to just get over all of this. Except yourself."
yep, he pegged that girl in one sentence.
My expectations of myself have always been high. I can't think of a time when I didn't have them. They have been my constant companion over the years. But in that moment, I started wondering why in the world I squirmed so warily against the strong arms (both the tangible ones and the transcendent ones) that held me. The only place that offered a haven for the grief.
But I already knew why. I like being strong. I like being both spiritually and physically dependable at all times and I feel that I lose some of my purpose if I'm not being available to meet the needs of everyone in the free world. And heaven forbid, if you see me without my cell phone, somebody has pried it out of my cold, dead fingers...
For a really, really long time I took some amount of pride in being the one everybody could count on. Now the Lord has so gently allowed me to come to a place where the pride dies because...
other people have to care for me this time.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's so scary for me. It's terrifying at times to think about how to act in this new role. A few weeks ago, I was watching a movie with Seth. (The movie is called Bella and it's brilliant, by the way.) At the end, the main characters are sitting on the beach. The woman talks about losing her dad and the pain that she endured as well as watching her mom suffer.
I lost it. I couldn't help it. I mean to tell you that I had a full-on ugly cry with snot everywhere and not a tissue to be found. For probably two or three minutes I sounded like a dying partridge.
I let it all out for just a minute. Then I switched to Superthatgirl mode where I suddenly remembered that my poor boyfriend was probably scared to death at my ridiculous outburst of emotion. I got up and walked out of the living room, hiding my pain and my tears and my emotions in the atrociously wallpapered bathroom where Seth keeps my special Bath and Body Works Freshwater Cucumber soap. I sat on the toilet and cried like a little girl.
Meanwhile, Seth sits in the living room frustrated that I felt like I had to run away until I could pull myself together. He just wanted to let me cry and rub my head until I felt better again. Why can't I let him? Or anyone else for that matter?
Everyone in my life wants to be strong so that I don't have to. Why can't I let them? I find it's much easier to push the ones I love away so that I can do it on my own. I used to be good at that, you know.
But now, God has brought me to the place where I am not able to do that. I used to be the one that could support everyone, spin all the plates, and never drop a one. I took some really intense pride in the fact that my problems never overtook me.
I have to laugh thinking about that last sentence. How deceived was I? I regret pushing those that I love away and constructing a wall for my own protection. It just hurt me more.
I know all the right answers. I have heard all the lines. I have gotten all the pat explanations as to why my mom died and why I feel this way.
But it doesn't take away the ache.
and that's okay.
I am thankful that this has been repeatedly brought to my attention by caring loved ones. I am thankful that they are not scared of my pain, or my loneliness, or my grief.
Most of all, I love that God is allowing me to now feel the grief instead of ignoring it. Although it's much harder to work through than to walk around it, it is beautiful that I know I will be more like Jesus when I have finally beat my fists against his chest over and over and over again until I finally quit fighting His embrace. I have it on good authority that he is waaaay stronger than me and will hold me until I relent and let him comfort me.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Whoa Nelly.
I just realized after that post it was the first night in like three or four weeks when I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything in the evening. Terri looked at me yesterday and she said she didn't know how I did it. I looked at her through exhausted eyes and said that I didn't know either.
So here's a devotional that I wrote this week on Psalm 46:10--
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
This is a portion of a beautiful psalm that reminds us that although trouble and calamity will indeed come, our God is able to offer both help and deliverance. Be it a natural disaster, political turmoil, or the anxious human heart, we find that God's sovereignty transcends the situations mentioned the the rest of this psalm.
It seems that God's Word has once again pegged the human condition. The other day I was answering my work phone while typing an email and trying to text someone all at once. (It didn't work and of course I got uber-confused: glad I didn't try to stand on my head too....) I gotta tell you that it's really hard to hear the voice of God while trying to do all that.
Here's the thing: a lot of us can't be still and know that He is God because we are too busy striving to please Him, filling our moments with "good things" to make God happy and proud of us, when all He really wants is our undivided attention (Psalm 86:11). The work has been completed. We can't add to Jesus' sacrifice to make us more holy. Filling our days with trying to please others and trying to do good doesn't impress God. My friend once wrote a journal about her struggles to fill her days with things that she felt would help her earn his favor, but if she would have been still, she would have discovered that she already had it as His daughter. She didn't need to jump through more hoops. God spoke these words to her heart:
"Stop striving. Don't strive. DO NOT STRIVE."
If we are never still enough, we will never be able to hear Him tell us that we don't have to earn His love with good deeds. Sometimes those good deeds keep us away from knowing Jesus better. Which makes our efforts null anyway.
I want you to be encouraged because God knows your heart. Maybe you long to stop striving just as I do. I encourage you to memorize this verse and tuck it into your heart to pull out as you feel yourself missing the point and trying to add to the work on the cross.
So here's a devotional that I wrote this week on Psalm 46:10--
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
This is a portion of a beautiful psalm that reminds us that although trouble and calamity will indeed come, our God is able to offer both help and deliverance. Be it a natural disaster, political turmoil, or the anxious human heart, we find that God's sovereignty transcends the situations mentioned the the rest of this psalm.
It seems that God's Word has once again pegged the human condition. The other day I was answering my work phone while typing an email and trying to text someone all at once. (It didn't work and of course I got uber-confused: glad I didn't try to stand on my head too....) I gotta tell you that it's really hard to hear the voice of God while trying to do all that.
Here's the thing: a lot of us can't be still and know that He is God because we are too busy striving to please Him, filling our moments with "good things" to make God happy and proud of us, when all He really wants is our undivided attention (Psalm 86:11). The work has been completed. We can't add to Jesus' sacrifice to make us more holy. Filling our days with trying to please others and trying to do good doesn't impress God. My friend once wrote a journal about her struggles to fill her days with things that she felt would help her earn his favor, but if she would have been still, she would have discovered that she already had it as His daughter. She didn't need to jump through more hoops. God spoke these words to her heart:
"Stop striving. Don't strive. DO NOT STRIVE."
If we are never still enough, we will never be able to hear Him tell us that we don't have to earn His love with good deeds. Sometimes those good deeds keep us away from knowing Jesus better. Which makes our efforts null anyway.
I want you to be encouraged because God knows your heart. Maybe you long to stop striving just as I do. I encourage you to memorize this verse and tuck it into your heart to pull out as you feel yourself missing the point and trying to add to the work on the cross.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
"Why Haven't I Heard From You"
Yes. As a matter of fact, I DID use a Reba MacEntire song as the title of this here blog. Whatcha gonna do about it?
Okay, I am sorry. I have (hopefully only temporarily) lost my little green 88-cent spiral notebook that had all my trip journals recorded therein. I have lost the auh-oof-ta (helps if said with a grunt) to blog because I am still praying it will turn up. I think it got missplaced between the Thompsons' and my new apartment and my office. So if you want to read the rest of the week--errr, let me rephrase--since you want to read about the rest of my Haitian adventure, please join me in prayer that it turns up quickly.
In other news, I could write a book on what the Lord is doing in my heart currently. It's a beautiful thing to learn gently to take my hands off of the things to which I cling so tightly, and place them in His instead of wringing them in worry. Don't worry, it only hurts a little. And that's because of me, not Him.
I must also tell you that despite the fact that I thought I was "over" the most painful parts of losing my precious mom, the grief has also kept me away from this blog. It is a difficult and tricky thing to describe. As I wept the other night and sleep eluded me, I found myself comparing grief to the very tears that lately have so often rolled down these cheeks.
Some days the grief comes on me like a little tear in the corner of my eye. I will think of her, be it a funny memory or a little quip she always used, and a little piece of sadness will well up inside me much like that tear in the corner of my eye.
Other days, the sadness comes early and lasts all day. One tear after another rolls down my cheek as I struggle with the questions that He is big enough to listen to and answer...or not answer.
The sadness comes and goes. But not Jesus. He stays.
Even in the moments when I temporarily forget and think, "Gosh, mom hasn't called me at all this week...I better give her a call-Why in the world haven't I heard from her?"
and painfully remember that I cannot.
Or when I lay in bed and cry because I want so badly to talk with her, laugh with her, hear hear her voice again, pray with her. And I know that I won't.
But God in his Fatherly patience, again brought this scripture to mind, personalizing it with my own name.
"I know it hurts, Lauren. But do not grieve as those who have no hope."
I know you are probably thinking, "Well, that should be easy. Everybody knows her mom was dedicated to Jesus and is now experiencing eternity with Him." But in reality, it is much easier at times to let the grief overtake the hope.
I want her back here. She wouldn't come even if she had the chance.
But I want her to sit with me on the couch and watch What Not to Wear.
Instead, I watch it by myself.
I want her to see Mamma Mia! with me when it comes out in a week or so with me so that we can sing Abba songs at an obnoxious decibel in the middle of the theatre with me.
But I will be singing without the Dancing Queen.
I need to practice making noodles with her because Seth loves noodles and I want to make even better ones.
But I will practice alone.
It takes much less discipline to dwell on the uglies of the raw deal that a fallen world offers than it does to cling to the Truth of the Gospel: that Jesus came for us to have an abundant life...not just there, where she is, but here where I am. That comes with embracing life. The goods and the uglies. I am learning to experience the pain so that I can love Jesus for His commitment to me. His goodness, His kindness, and His love.
For example, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I never did that with my Grandma Liz, because I knew she wasn't there and it brought me no comfort. But since my mom died, even though she isn't there either, I find a great comfort in meeting with God there.
A few weeks ago, I had gone to cry and pray, and was tremendously upset by the fact that someone had stolen the beautiful flower arrangement on the top of the grave.
It ached. Who could do such a thing?
Oh, but how God demonstrated his love for me yesterday in His active pursuit of my good. He sent someone to put an even more beautiful arrangement on the grave.
"I notice. I notice your pain. I know it aches." He whispered gently.
It aches,
but because of you, God,
it doesn't sting.
"The bodies we now have are weak and can die. But they will be changed into bodies that are eternal. Then the Scriptures will come true,
'Death has lost the battle!
Where is its victory?
Where is its sting?'"
Lauren
Okay, I am sorry. I have (hopefully only temporarily) lost my little green 88-cent spiral notebook that had all my trip journals recorded therein. I have lost the auh-oof-ta (helps if said with a grunt) to blog because I am still praying it will turn up. I think it got missplaced between the Thompsons' and my new apartment and my office. So if you want to read the rest of the week--errr, let me rephrase--since you want to read about the rest of my Haitian adventure, please join me in prayer that it turns up quickly.
In other news, I could write a book on what the Lord is doing in my heart currently. It's a beautiful thing to learn gently to take my hands off of the things to which I cling so tightly, and place them in His instead of wringing them in worry. Don't worry, it only hurts a little. And that's because of me, not Him.
I must also tell you that despite the fact that I thought I was "over" the most painful parts of losing my precious mom, the grief has also kept me away from this blog. It is a difficult and tricky thing to describe. As I wept the other night and sleep eluded me, I found myself comparing grief to the very tears that lately have so often rolled down these cheeks.
Some days the grief comes on me like a little tear in the corner of my eye. I will think of her, be it a funny memory or a little quip she always used, and a little piece of sadness will well up inside me much like that tear in the corner of my eye.
Other days, the sadness comes early and lasts all day. One tear after another rolls down my cheek as I struggle with the questions that He is big enough to listen to and answer...or not answer.
The sadness comes and goes. But not Jesus. He stays.
Even in the moments when I temporarily forget and think, "Gosh, mom hasn't called me at all this week...I better give her a call-Why in the world haven't I heard from her?"
and painfully remember that I cannot.
Or when I lay in bed and cry because I want so badly to talk with her, laugh with her, hear hear her voice again, pray with her. And I know that I won't.
But God in his Fatherly patience, again brought this scripture to mind, personalizing it with my own name.
"I know it hurts, Lauren. But do not grieve as those who have no hope."
I know you are probably thinking, "Well, that should be easy. Everybody knows her mom was dedicated to Jesus and is now experiencing eternity with Him." But in reality, it is much easier at times to let the grief overtake the hope.
I want her back here. She wouldn't come even if she had the chance.
But I want her to sit with me on the couch and watch What Not to Wear.
Instead, I watch it by myself.
I want her to see Mamma Mia! with me when it comes out in a week or so with me so that we can sing Abba songs at an obnoxious decibel in the middle of the theatre with me.
But I will be singing without the Dancing Queen.
I need to practice making noodles with her because Seth loves noodles and I want to make even better ones.
But I will practice alone.
It takes much less discipline to dwell on the uglies of the raw deal that a fallen world offers than it does to cling to the Truth of the Gospel: that Jesus came for us to have an abundant life...not just there, where she is, but here where I am. That comes with embracing life. The goods and the uglies. I am learning to experience the pain so that I can love Jesus for His commitment to me. His goodness, His kindness, and His love.
For example, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I never did that with my Grandma Liz, because I knew she wasn't there and it brought me no comfort. But since my mom died, even though she isn't there either, I find a great comfort in meeting with God there.
A few weeks ago, I had gone to cry and pray, and was tremendously upset by the fact that someone had stolen the beautiful flower arrangement on the top of the grave.
It ached. Who could do such a thing?
Oh, but how God demonstrated his love for me yesterday in His active pursuit of my good. He sent someone to put an even more beautiful arrangement on the grave.
"I notice. I notice your pain. I know it aches." He whispered gently.
It aches,
but because of you, God,
it doesn't sting.
"The bodies we now have are weak and can die. But they will be changed into bodies that are eternal. Then the Scriptures will come true,
'Death has lost the battle!
Where is its victory?
Where is its sting?'"
Lauren
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Enjoying Where You Are at (on the Way to Where You are Going)
This is a collaborative post. Cue that song from the Wonder Years ("I get by with a little help from my friends... whoa oh oh oh"). Actually just one friend.
Turns out I get by with a lot of help from her. She gave me the title.
Which brings me to tonight's topic.
I live in the home of Randy and Terri, beloved friends who are now family to me and who see me as part of their family as well. I sleep on the most beautiful red couch I have ever seen. By a fireplace (which in truth doesn't do me much good during these summer months--most of you know that I find myself sweating in the most Arctic of conditions) that is most legit. In a house filled with warmth and love and laughter and joy and beauty and a Wii.
I have become a gypsy. A vagabond.
It's so weird. I never once thought that after college I would be gypsying my way through the summer before I became a full-time grad student. But here I am, at the Thompson family home, living in a town I said I would never live in (love makes you do some crazy things--and I'm talking about the love for God and His people--the benefits of living in the town extend much further than being close to Seth (definite bonus, though!). I am close to the people I fellowship with, which is why I love being here.)
So why am I paranoid about where I am headed?
in life.
in ministry.
in relationships.
The wise sage Dr. Seuss knew a few things about this place...
"You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads
at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting." excerpt from Oh! The Places You'll Go
My mom once told me as we chatted through the night that she felt she wished portions of her life away, waiting on the next thing to come along. For example, when she graduated high school, she couldn't wait to get married so life could "really" start, she said. Then when she was married, she looked forward to having kids so that she could have the American Dream--the picket fence family. Then when my brother was little and later when I was little, she couldn't wait for us to quit running around amok and get potty trained already. The list goes on and on. That is, until she built a viable relationship with Jesus and quit wishing her life away. So her advice to me as cancer ravaged her body and at times her mind, was to avoid wishing this precious gift, this life, this breath, away. We cried and prayed and found ourselves wishing for all the things she had wished away so we could keep enjoying each other's company.
Slowly, I am learning that difficult lesson. God has put me in a place in my life where going forward in some ways is what I would have considered failure to be before. Like not having my own place, for example.
But is it really failing...
- to live in community with people you love because the realization that the blood of Jesus has the capacity to make you one That is more powerful than DNA and public opinion. Don't believe me? Check this out.
- to stay up late with your BFFs and sleep in really late the next morning because you know this is the only time in your life you may have the opportunity without little fingers pulling your eyelids open*
- to be able to serve others and surprise someone with finished dishes or folded laundry because you had no other pressing commitments
- to read every book on your to-read list and never once feel guilty about it
- to swing all afternoon if you darned-well please?
- to sit at Starbucks all afternoon and spend time with the One who knows you best while listening to the same Coldplay song a million times
- to be able to work three walks in one spring because nothing and no one can hold you back?
- to take a trip that's a little unplanned and unstructured and totally irresponsible because there are things to do at home (but you know it will make you a better, happier person full of life and the joy of Christ)
- to have time to cry and pray and seek the Lord with a brother or sister just because you can take time to really get it
If this is failure, I want an F on every report card life ever writes me.
I want to enjoy where I am at on the way to wherever the heck I am going.
*this has happened to me. Hannah was the culprit on that one. I know you are surprised...
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Lyrics with Lauren: All I Can Say...
Wow.
I had the most intimate and beautiful time with the Lord today. I love that daily quiet time.
I long for it...
[now don't be jealous. He told me He wants to meet with you, too. All you have to do is show up.]
I won't tell you everything He said (wink). But I will tell you this...It was the same message He has been repeating to me for weeks--
ISAIAH 49.
Since He started proving Himself to me using this passage of His word, I have celebrated it, taught it (Journey #20 formations-coincidental that it's the theme scripture? uh, probably not.), and pondered it in my head and heart for hours.
The one thing that keeps resounding in my spiritual ears is this:
" I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands."
Beloved, He hasn't forgotten you either. Nothing else is as certain or as sacred as this:
Jesus couldn't forget my face (or yours) if He tried. He tells us to look! It's right there.
It was so good. And so needed. My heart craved the joy of His presence as it always does. The breath of Jesus filled my apartment so richly that it permeated everything.
I love Him. I love Him. I love Him. I love Him.
Anyway, I'll stop gushing about my Papa God long enough to tell you that I decided to share the soundtrack of my date with the Lord (wink) today for our weekly installment of "Lyrics with Lauren."
This song ministers to the depths of my soul.
All I Can Say
David Crowder *Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark I
s creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything
And didn't You see me crying?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to? I
wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet
And this is all that I can say right now,
oh I know its not much.
But this is all that I can give
Yeah that's my everything.
I had the most intimate and beautiful time with the Lord today. I love that daily quiet time.
I long for it...
[now don't be jealous. He told me He wants to meet with you, too. All you have to do is show up.]
I won't tell you everything He said (wink). But I will tell you this...It was the same message He has been repeating to me for weeks--
ISAIAH 49.
Since He started proving Himself to me using this passage of His word, I have celebrated it, taught it (Journey #20 formations-coincidental that it's the theme scripture? uh, probably not.), and pondered it in my head and heart for hours.
The one thing that keeps resounding in my spiritual ears is this:
" I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands."
Beloved, He hasn't forgotten you either. Nothing else is as certain or as sacred as this:
Jesus couldn't forget my face (or yours) if He tried. He tells us to look! It's right there.
It was so good. And so needed. My heart craved the joy of His presence as it always does. The breath of Jesus filled my apartment so richly that it permeated everything.
I love Him. I love Him. I love Him. I love Him.
Anyway, I'll stop gushing about my Papa God long enough to tell you that I decided to share the soundtrack of my date with the Lord (wink) today for our weekly installment of "Lyrics with Lauren."
This song ministers to the depths of my soul.
All I Can Say
David Crowder *Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark I
s creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything
And didn't You see me crying?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to? I
wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet
And this is all that I can say right now,
oh I know its not much.
But this is all that I can give
Yeah that's my everything.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
That Girl...
rarely gets it right.
my friend Joe (click on today's blog title to check out his stuff...) wrote a song once, and this was the hook for it:
"If you want to know how much I think of my mistakes/
When it's quiet and when I am awake."
Silly me. When will I learn how to deal with everything gently and with grace, instead of dealing with it like a trucker that drives into the local Mikasa?
(or, as my mama used to say, "Laur, you are like a bull in a china shop." sad but true.)
"when it's quiet," and I survey the damage, I wonder if my trip to Mikasa was really worth it or not.
to all of my dear, Good Blog Readers: please, please, please be patient. "That girl..." is a work in progress. I need that "Caution" tape around me wherever I go to let people know that I am dangerous and wreak havoc on a lot of beautiful things.
Bebo says it best:
"every single heart that I have held/in my hands/in my clumsy hands/I fumbled them around until they fell/It's much safer ground/just keeping to myself/but I will wait for tomorrow..."
but community is funny like that in that hopefully, they see through the messes I make to someone who desires to be fully alive and has the capacity to love with abandon.
and they ignore the caution tape.
psalm 51:6.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A Bad Word According to My Vocabulary...
...is no.
Why can't I say it more?
Someday I will learn.
(Seth just texted me in the middle of writing this blog: "We need to learn how to say no.")
so true.
Why can't I say it more?
Someday I will learn.
(Seth just texted me in the middle of writing this blog: "We need to learn how to say no.")
so true.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Lyrics with Lauren: "That Girl..." Wins?
I won something.
CRAZY, I know. It's totally the Lord, and so cool.
It's the "Model of Beauty" contest.
My friend Esther is a Mary Kay consultant, and she asked me to be a part of the contest (she has to do so many faces each month) and I love her and her husband Ricky and their sweet baby girl Isabella (not the Izzy I keep, different one...) so I went over and had her make me up. To be honest, I don't normally wear a lot of makeup, and some days I go without it all together.
She took the "before" picture (and I have to admit that I did the sans smile face thing like you always see in the before pictures when Oprah does makeovers) and then she used her products and she did a really good job. She took the "after" picture (complete with smile) and I thought I was done. Then Esther asked me what was beautiful to me. I had to write a little essay, and I was honest in the fact that beauty is transparency to me (yay for T squared...you know what I mean...) and being beautiful is living a beautiful life from the inside out.
She texted me yesterday and asked for my favorite quote (Psalm 51:6) and my favorite color (pink, please...was there ever a question in your mind, Good Blog Reader?) and my favorite vacation spot, etc.
Each girl in Esther's unit had a winner. Then last night after an awesome, awesome formation, I received word that I won!
Which means:
CRAZY, I know. It's totally the Lord, and so cool.
It's the "Model of Beauty" contest.
My friend Esther is a Mary Kay consultant, and she asked me to be a part of the contest (she has to do so many faces each month) and I love her and her husband Ricky and their sweet baby girl Isabella (not the Izzy I keep, different one...) so I went over and had her make me up. To be honest, I don't normally wear a lot of makeup, and some days I go without it all together.
She took the "before" picture (and I have to admit that I did the sans smile face thing like you always see in the before pictures when Oprah does makeovers) and then she used her products and she did a really good job. She took the "after" picture (complete with smile) and I thought I was done. Then Esther asked me what was beautiful to me. I had to write a little essay, and I was honest in the fact that beauty is transparency to me (yay for T squared...you know what I mean...) and being beautiful is living a beautiful life from the inside out.
She texted me yesterday and asked for my favorite quote (Psalm 51:6) and my favorite color (pink, please...was there ever a question in your mind, Good Blog Reader?) and my favorite vacation spot, etc.
Each girl in Esther's unit had a winner. Then last night after an awesome, awesome formation, I received word that I won!
Which means:
- A gift certificate to a SPA in Evansville (I think I just peed my pants from excitement...)
- Some free Kary Kay products (!!)
God is better to me than I deserve. I have been exhausted and His grace always brings the unexpected blessings right when we need encouragement.
who would have thought?
In honor of this sweet blessing, I have decided to include another Sara Groves song in this Wednesday's installment of "Lyrics with Lauren." It's a song that really challenges me every time I hear to make sure that I am offering my best and my excellence to my community of faith and the Body of Christ. I hope you enjoy it:
We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold that only we can hold
Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are
And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside
It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work
It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth
Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are
And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside
This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation
Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out our best
And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside
yeah. love it. you can see why.
(Becky, this is the song I was telling you about. If you happen to snap some pics that would fit, I would LOVE it.)
For the rest of you, I dare you to go to Becky's Blog and see two of our amazing FBC Bicknell princesses (Gracie and Tali: Seth and I love you!!) and their awesome dance photos. Now they are beautiful...
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Why I Love Daisies.
In You've Got Mail, Meg Ryan's character, Kathleen Kelly, explains her love for daisies:
"I love daisies...They're so friendly. Don't you think daisies are the friendliest flower?"
I am in my apartment this morning and am staring at the fake daisies all over my apartment. Like Kathleen Kelly, I think that they are friendly little flowers.
But there are more reasons I like daisies (pink gerber daisies are my flavor of choice) than their inviting nature.
I like daisies because once they open up, they don't hide anything. I can see every part of the flower as it is wide open. This may sound ridiculous, but I think daisies are the flower of transparency.
What if we lived wide-open lives, hiding nothing from the community of God? How inviting would that be? It seems to me that people are drawn to us when we lay bare our joys and struggles on the altar and don't pretend to be something we're not. Daisies are "friendly flowers" because there's no beauty hidden but rather all of it revealed by the open nature of them.
"I love daisies...They're so friendly. Don't you think daisies are the friendliest flower?"
I am in my apartment this morning and am staring at the fake daisies all over my apartment. Like Kathleen Kelly, I think that they are friendly little flowers.
But there are more reasons I like daisies (pink gerber daisies are my flavor of choice) than their inviting nature.
I like daisies because once they open up, they don't hide anything. I can see every part of the flower as it is wide open. This may sound ridiculous, but I think daisies are the flower of transparency.
What if we lived wide-open lives, hiding nothing from the community of God? How inviting would that be? It seems to me that people are drawn to us when we lay bare our joys and struggles on the altar and don't pretend to be something we're not. Daisies are "friendly flowers" because there's no beauty hidden but rather all of it revealed by the open nature of them.
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