Troubled.

I had a meltdown last Saturday.

I still have bad days-they seem to just get fewer and farther between-but they still have the intensity they did when Mom died.


My dad, aunts, and I went out with Toots to celebrate her 83rd birthday. We were in the restaurant laughing at Toots and her penchant for pink sweetener all over everything on her plate to 'doctor it up' and my aunts innocently began making small talk-asking me about my life and such. I began to share about how things were going well, but....

This bit of perhaps unwarranted vulnerability-sometimes June comes bustin' out all over, and by June I mean That Girl- surprised everyone. They tried to make me feel better that things take time and sometimes we're living on dreams and spaghetti-Os wondering where our lives are gonna go, as Martina McB says. Bless their hearts, they didn't know what to do with That Girl who suddenly turned on the waterworks and began to cry. I wasn't crying about my life. It really is lovely. I am thankful for my many blessings.

Honestly, I was weeping because I had looked at the occupants of my table and realized that there was a seat with no occupant. In that moment I felt so defeated and sorrow filled my heart as I realized for the millionth time that she would never be at a special family event again. There will be a hole at K's 7th birthday party this weekend. No one to call me early in the morning and tell me she was thankful for her unexpected pregnancy @36 when I turn 24 next month. No one to light the unity candle someday or to talk me through my first baby's fever. No one to tell me that she's still my biggest fan when I mess up, cry with me when my feelings are hurt or to tell me ever so gently that the skirt makes my hips look big and wouldn't this be a better choice for my body shape?!

No more of those beautiful things.


My heart was troubled.

I think as believers we have a responsibility to ask why. Jesus instructs us to be like children, and all the children I know ask 3 billion questions, sometimes again and again if they forget the answer of why the sky is blue or the grass is green.


After my tiny yet embarrassing scene crying in front of my family, where I wandered around looking like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because of my slightly ugly cry trying to find the bathroom, somehow I attracted the stare of every.single.patron in the whole joint who were trying to figure out who is That Girl anyway and why did she just open up the door to the supply closet?

( Can't I even have a moment of sadness gracefully here?! )


Then Dad decided to drive by the cemetery. Here comes Waterworld again.


I got out of the car and shut the door. Through my tears I stood and looked at the butterfly on her stone. I couldn't really see it that well through all the tears collected in my eyes. I looked at her birth and death dates and got mad all over again.

why?


this is really no good, in case You haven't noticed, I told Him.



Then I do what I always do, mad or not but always through teary eyes, went to the other side of the grave.

I made myself read it.

I ran my fingers along the words and tried to get the dust off off the grave, so cool to my touch in the heat of the day.



My peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27



Then it came. Not the answer I wanted, but the one I needed.

Don't be troubled.

It sounds really simple, and yet when my eyes focused in on the word troubled, I could hear my Savior's voice. Not audibly of course, but that still small voice.

In this world you will have trouble. The tricky part is not to let it trouble you.

I may have Trouble. But Trouble doesn't have me.


After typing the word trouble so many times I want to also tell you that the word looks weird to me now. My apologies.


My heart has seen difficulty. My life has been changed. The fact that I belong to Jesus has not changed, and although tragedy and heartache have come knocking on my door and I have repeatedly asked why, he has told me that sometimes the answer is not as important as the faith it takes to ask the question. I may ask why, but I won't let the lack of a full blueprint trouble my heart. I won't be troubled by the lack of answers. Instead, I will let that perfect peace rest deep in my heart and soul--the peace that even as I ask the same questions again and again, I may not get every answer just this second but I will be safe and he will provide for me, like a parent cares for a child. The peace that he loves me and that he knows how much of the answer I can handle right now, and how much needs to be saved for later.
I won't be troubled come Saturday. I'll see my mom's smile on K's face when she opens her brand new Princess Protection Program DVD (the gift that keeps on giving-shhh) and I'll know that Mom is no longer troubled by things like cancer, or chemo, or bills to pay, or even sin. He will grant me the peace of HOPE in redemption and resurrection.

I leave you with a Puritan prayer that has really encouraged me.

O God, most high, most glorious, the thought of Thine infinite serenity cheers
me, for I am toiling and moiling, troubled and distressed, but Thou art for ever
at perfect peace. Thy designs cause thee no fear or care of unfulfilment, they
stand fast as the eternal hills. Thy power knows no bond, Thy goodness no stint.
Thou bringest order out of confusion, and my defeats are Thy victories: The Lord
God omnipotent reigneth.
I come to Thee as a sinner with cares and sorrows, to leave every concern entirely to Thee, every sin calling for Christ's precious blood; revive deep spirituality in my heart; let me live near to the great Shepherd, hear His voice, know its tones, follow its calls. Keep me from deception by causing me to abide in the truth, from harm by helping me to walk in the power of the Spirit. Give me intenser faith in the eternal verities, burning into me by experience the things I know; Let me never be ashamed of the truth of the gospel, that I may bear its reproach, vindicate it, see Jesus as
its essence, know in it the power of the Spirit.
Lord, help me, for I am often lukewarm and chill; unbelief mars my confidence, sin makes me forget Thee. Let the weeds that grow in my soul be cut at their roots; grant me to know that I truly live only when I live to Thee, that all else is trifling. Thy presence alone can make me holy, devout, strong and happy. Abide in me, gracious God.

I've been praying for you today. May the peace of Christ be with you now and forever.