When Dreams and Reality Collide.

I had a dream last night. It was the dream I had been waiting to have. I know it sounds silly, but since my mom died I have wanted to have a dream about her. It started a couple of weeks after the funeral when my dear friend Dee came to me. She prayed over me and asked God to comfort me in my pain.

I was still slightly numb at that time, trying to hold it all together and pass my college and grad classes as she died in November and I had missed a lot of school The semester was to end in December, and if you know me, you know that I am pretty driven about certain things characteristically.

Dee told me about a dream she had. My mom was a part of the dream, and it brought so much comfort to her. She said it was a beautiful dream and she prayed the same for me. I immediately started to ask God for that.


Actually, I think "whined" might be a more appropriate word to describe my conversations with God about this. I absolutely whined to Him about it like a spoiled child.
I'm about to be very blunt. But this is real life. These are real emotions. God is big enough to handle them.

"You took her away...The least you could do is to let me have a dream."

He said nothing.


How could I blame Him?



Fast forward almost nine months. Still no dream.
Months filled with nights of laying in bed sobbing because of a pain that goes so deep it almost arrests me physically. Days of getting so lost in my own thoughts that I'm no good to those I love. Using unreasonable logic. Lack of focus on tasks at hand. Moments of frustration with others that quickly evaporates into anger. My days are now also marked with a lack of patience that comes with the territory of wondering if I, unlike my mother, will live to see sixty.

This is my reality. I am learning to accept that.



Last night, my prayer was answered.

I went to bed close to 12 AM, tired as all get-out.

Honestly, I don't remember any specifics at all,

except that my mom was in her bedroom, sitting up in the bed. She had her 'old-school wafro' going on (if you knew my mama way back before her Sally Field football hair helmet days, you know of what I speak...)

At one point, we were standing in the hallway of our house.


She was so close.

The dream was so real, and my eyes are watering as I type this because the one thing I have truly missed was

the nearness of her

OR

being in close proximity with her.
Anyone who has lost a loved one knows what I mean.




For a few blissful moments, I felt that again. And it was so good to feel close to her again. I only wish it hadn't been a dream.