Tuesday, August 12, 2008

When Dreams and Reality Collide.

I had a dream last night. It was the dream I had been waiting to have. I know it sounds silly, but since my mom died I have wanted to have a dream about her. It started a couple of weeks after the funeral when my dear friend Dee came to me. She prayed over me and asked God to comfort me in my pain.

I was still slightly numb at that time, trying to hold it all together and pass my college and grad classes as she died in November and I had missed a lot of school The semester was to end in December, and if you know me, you know that I am pretty driven about certain things characteristically.

Dee told me about a dream she had. My mom was a part of the dream, and it brought so much comfort to her. She said it was a beautiful dream and she prayed the same for me. I immediately started to ask God for that.

Actually, I think "whined" might be a more appropriate word to describe my conversations with God about this. I absolutely whined to Him about it like a spoiled child.
I'm about to be very blunt. But this is real life. These are real emotions. God is big enough to handle them.

"You took her away...The least you could do is to let me have a dream."

He said nothing.

How could I blame Him?

Fast forward almost nine months. Still no dream.
Months filled with nights of laying in bed sobbing because of a pain that goes so deep it almost arrests me physically. Days of getting so lost in my own thoughts that I'm no good to those I love. Using unreasonable logic. Lack of focus on tasks at hand. Moments of frustration with others that quickly evaporates into anger. My days are now also marked with a lack of patience that comes with the territory of wondering if I, unlike my mother, will live to see sixty.

This is my reality. I am learning to accept that.

Last night, my prayer was answered.

I went to bed close to 12 AM, tired as all get-out.

Honestly, I don't remember any specifics at all,

except that my mom was in her bedroom, sitting up in the bed. She had her 'old-school wafro' going on (if you knew my mama way back before her Sally Field football hair helmet days, you know of what I speak...)

At one point, we were standing in the hallway of our house.

She was so close.

The dream was so real, and my eyes are watering as I type this because the one thing I have truly missed was

the nearness of her


being in close proximity with her.
Anyone who has lost a loved one knows what I mean.

For a few blissful moments, I felt that again. And it was so good to feel close to her again. I only wish it hadn't been a dream.


Christy said...

Oh Lauren! That was heart warming.... it stinks that God's timing isn't always in OUR TIME! You probably got this dream right when you needed it!

Elle MD said...

God is so good! But you knew that. Enjoy the memory of your dream and relive it at will. You deserve it!

chaff "4" said...

Lauren, thank you for sharing. I have been missing my dear friend so much and just 2 weeks ago when something came up I reached for the phone to call her. Habit I guess. I am thankful that you had the dream and that for a moment you felt close to your mom again.

Terri said...

I can only imagine.... ( :

Guatmama said...

I can sob with you, fully. I can remember being right where you are at...frustrated that the world around me was going on when I was in sooooo much heart wrenching pain. Go ahead and dream these are your memories playing out for you. The best part - the dreams haven't stopped for me. 11 years of waking up in the morning sobbing thru my shower, but then some how feeling comfort for the remainder of the day. How awesome is it that God allows us the recall details like a harido. Thanks for the openness. Thanking God that he is with you, and will never forsake you, Lauren.


Susie said...

My heart is so happy for you Lauren! How precious to feel that again even if only for the moment! Just think how wonderful it is going to be when we are all reunited one day!! I'm sure you & your momma will be the Dancing Queens!

Grant and Charlene said...

Your blog is amazing. I haven't read much of it yet, because I went straight to the mom section. My family and I have had the same desire--to see my dad or brother in a dream. My mom and I have both seen my dad, and my mom and sister have had dreams of my brother. It's amazing how something like that can bring comfort to us. At the same time, it can bring the pain of losing them close again.

You're a beautiful girl, and I'm blessed to see how God is using you through your words and joyful personality. Thanks for keeping up with us, and for sharing your heart as such an honest example to us all.